Gravity
by AddisonSp
Summary: He has always been there, her rock. Now it is Kate's turn to care for him. When the unthinkable happens, Kate's love and loyalty are put to the ultimate test. Note the rating change to M please. Although, with the M comes the fluff!
1. Chapter 1

**Hello all. This story came to me while writing my last story, as I was listening to a song (entitled Gravity, by Sara Bareilles). The silly plot would not let me go until it was written. **

**I give fair warning that it may be the most angsty piece I've written, save for the cancer series obviously. However, said angst will be balanced with a good amount of sexual tension and resolution will come to all things. **

**On a final note, I admit that this is a new take on an old cliché. That said, if cliché's are not your thing, feel free to find another story that may meet your needs. All others enjoy and please review. **

**Disclaimer: They are not mine, as usual.**

* * *

_**Now this mountain I must climb, feels like the world is on my shoulders.**_

_**Through the clouds I see love shine, it keeps me warm as life grows colder.**_

_**In my life there's been heartache and pain.**_

_**I don't know if I can face it again.**_

_**Can't stop now, I've traveled so far to change this lonely life.**_

_**I wanna know what love is. I want you to show me.**_

_**I wanna feel what love is. I know you can show me.**_

_**-I want to Know What Love is, Tina Arena (**__**Foreigner cover)**_.

* * *

Love wasn't an emotion that Kate Beckett was entirely comfortable with. When she was in love she felt completely out of control, she didn't act like herself and she often did foolish things. Because of these reasons, she avoided love. Sure she had relationships, but keeping one foot out the door always ensured that she wouldn't get too involved. She wouldn't be in danger of losing herself in her relationships.

The first person to really call her out on this was Castle. It was during their fight, which occurred just days before she got shot. She often thought back to his words, he'd accused her of being a coward. Sure, he didn't say that outright, but insinuating that she hid in relationships because she was scared of the real thing was just as bad. She threw him out that day because she was pissed, she couldn't believe his audacity, and she wanted him gone before she lost it; because she knew he was right.

She also never admitted that his accusation was one of the main reasons she decided to stick with therapy. Of course there was the shooting, the PTSD, and her mother's murder. Hell, Kate could pick any one of a variety of reasons to be in therapy. However, the one she was working on the most was that damned wall. It took his throwing it in her face before she would even acknowledge its presence.

After nearly a year of uncomfortable and somewhat painful emotional work, Kate's wall was coming down. It was dropping, only to find that the man waiting on the other side was apparently no longer interested. It appeared that she was too late. Even Lanie told her she'd waited too long.

Beckett was confused, frustrated and moderately pissed. However, being pissed at Castle wasn't out of the ordinary. In fact, it seemed to be somewhat of a norm. She could handle anger, she did anger well. Therefore, in the horrible weeks following the bombing, she focused on remaining as angry as possible for as long as possible.

Afterall, when Kate was angry, she didn't have to focus on the deeper feelings she experienced, such as profound rejection, hurt and fear over the loss of someone who just might have been the love of her life.

It was a time period that Kate Beckett never wanted to live through again. She'd finally allowed herself to become truly emotionally involved, and to hope for a future; only to have it dashed by some stranger who'd possessed her partner's body.

Finally, after weeks of watching him pull away, of encountering him acting like a jackass to her, he let something slip. She'd asked him time and again if something was wrong, earning her a denial and brush off each time. However, after they worked the 'zombie' case, he couldn't keep his contempt for her in check. At the hospital, through his passive aggression, it became apparent that he at least suspected that she remembered his confession of love for her.

So, she offered a piece of herself to him. She confided that she'd been working on herself, and that her wall was coming down. Finally, they both took a risk in admitting that they wanted one another to be around when it was finally gone.

Things improved considerably after that. Coffees started showing up in the mornings with Castle, and lunch dates with flight attendants stopped. They fell back into a comfortable routine, feeding off of each other while building theory and solving cases. For the time being, Kate was happy to have her partner back.

She also became bolder, more solid in her resolve to open herself up to him. Finally, the opportunity came along when he invited her over for a movie marathon. She'd accepted with every intention of making her feelings known before their night was through. However, things didn't turn out that way and she nearly lost him for good.

That case, her sniper, his betrayal, changed everything. He walked away and she nearly broke. Then, on the roof and in the blink of an eye, what seemed complicated and nearly impossible became clear as day. That final brush with death had been enough to make her see how much she needed him. So, after quitting her job, contemplating her past, and evaluating her priorities, she went to him.

Love wasn't an emotion Kate Beckett was comfortable with. However, that night, the rain soaked former detective laid it all on the line. She gave herself to him, body and soul. It was a night of healing, loving and comforting; mixed with passion, desperation and ecstasy, as they finally allowed themselves to become one.

Neither of them were sexually naïve, and both had experienced their share of really good sex. However, that night was a first for both of them. As hands caressed, bodies glided and tongues tasted, the partners found that they fit together perfectly. It was almost as if they had been created for this purpose, for their bodies to fit; lock and key.

Hours were spent loving and exploring, as he learned exactly where to touch her, how much pressure to use, and how many different sounds he could pull from her. She let herself feel vulnerable, allowed for him to have control, and with her openness came the ability to receive more love from him than she could have ever imagined.

Equally loving and engaged, she spared no inch of his body, learning how he quivered at her touch, and how far she could take him without bringing him over the edge. Never a wordsmith, Kate spoke through her body. She worshiped him and adored him physically, showing him her feelings through soft caresses and gentle kisses.

In the heat of their passion, he pulled her on top and she straddled him, both of them shifting into an embrace. They gazed into one another's eyes as she wrapped her arms around his neck, laced her fingers through his hair, and found his lips once again with hers. He pulled her as close to him as physically possible, wrapping his arms around her and ghosting his fingers up and down her back as they moved as one.

When they finally climaxed, they did so together. The partners were filled with consuming love, trust and complete abandon. As she fell apart in his arms, her cries echoed from the walls of his bedroom. She swore that she could see millions of lights flashing behind her eyes at the moment the tension finally gave way to release. It was pure magic, as she felt herself combust and then slowly drift back into her body.

That night, in Richard Castle's arms, the woman who didn't _do love _disappeared. All it took was one time with him for her to realize that she would never be the same, and she could never go back. Kate Beckett finally let herself fall completely in love.


	2. Chapter 2

_**The dawn is breaking, a light shining through.**_

_**You're barely waking, and I'm tangled up in you.**_

_**- Collide, Howie Day**_

* * *

It was the beginning of the most intense, passionate and consuming love affair that Kate had ever experienced. The amazing part was that she never felt as if she were losing herself. On the contrary, she felt as if she was finally complete when she was with him. To say that they were blissfully happy would be an understatement.

They went on in secret. Their decision was partially motivated by a desire to keep the new part of their relationship secret, protected, almost sacred. There was true intimacy in being the only ones aware of their romance. However, another major motivator was Kate's insistence that their relationship not overshadow Alexis, especially during her last summer at home.

Kate was all too familiar with the changes that were coming for the teen, and wanted to do everything in her power to allow to keep some sense of normalcy for as long as possible. Rick and Alexis were participating in a summer extravaganza, organized by the father and daughter, and Kate wanted their time to be precious and unhindered.

As a result, they saw one another covertly, and when they could manage it. Granted, they still spent at least one night a week in each other's arms. Usually, he would come to her apartment later in the evening, after Martha and Alexis had retired, or on evenings when the women in his life had plans. Kate's insistence that his family come first was just another of the many reasons Castle loved her.

* * *

By June, they had a pretty solid routine. It was obvious to both Martha and Alexis that he was seeing _someone_. However, his refusal to divulge information left them in the dark. Their curiosity was peaked, but they were both genuinely happy to see how happy he was.

On rare occasion, Kate would be able to stay at the loft. This happened when he knew he had the place to himself. The most recent night was Independence Day, when Martha and Alexis were out celebrating.

Kate went as far as to tell him that she was seriously impressed at his ability to be discreet, until she realized that he'd been tweeting about the things he wanted to do with his 'friend.' Obviously, he'd let slip that he had a new lover, and they were _creating 'fireworks_.'

She rolled her eyes as she thought about the comment he'd made concerning their current weekend together, thanks to a decision by Martha and Alexis to spend a few days in the Hamptons. She'd teased him about it, "So, you're going to spend the weekend in the city and enjoy the _Naked Heat_, huh?"

He grinned at her, motioning an _oops!_ His single defense was, "I didn't name names!" She rolled her eyes and swatted his backside. "Stop tweeting about us!" She eyed him threateningly, but her mood was less than resentful, as the very next words to escape her mouth were, "now take me to bed."

* * *

Castle woke first the following morning. He stretched leisurely in bed, enjoying the prospect of a Sunday with Kate all to himself. He turned his head to take in her sleeping form, a smile crossing his face as he took in how peaceful she looked while she slept.

She shifted then, rolling over to expose her chest. He could tell that she was waking, and decided to help her along by tenderly placing kisses against her scars. He then moved his head up to nuzzle her collar bone, kissing her neck as she lifted her hands to lace her fingers through his hair.

He smiled, "Good morning, Kate."

"Hi." She replied tenderly.

"How are you feeling?" He asked her.

"I'm not sure I'm going to be able to walk today." She admitted.

Castle shot his head up at her words, evaluating her with great concern, "Are you hurt?" He had been paranoid since their first night together, when he'd noted the bruises on her abdomen, neck and arms. He began to kiss each one tenderly, as if he could somehow take her pain away.

Those bruises had long since healed though, and he was genuinely concerned at the moment. Kate placed her fingers on his chin, pulling him to face her. "I'm fine. I'm talking about the pain here." She placed the palm of her hand very low on her belly. It was a pain that was distinctly associated with overzealous sexual activity.

His eyes followed her hand down to see where it rested, coming back to look at her face and note the wry grin on her face. He lightly swatted her hip, "So not funny!" She chuckled to herself, before rolling over to get out of bed.

"Did you at least see stars again?" He prodded her teasingly as he referenced the fact that he'd, on several occasions, given her orgasms that were mind-blowing enough to make her see _stars_.

She rolled her eyes and swatted him, smiling as she stated "Castle, I'm hungry. The least you can do after ravishing my body for hours last night is feed me." She smiled at him sweetly.

"How about we go out for breakfast?" He suggested happily to her.

She nodded in consent. "We'll need to stop at my place so I can grab a change of clothes."

* * *

Beckett simply threw on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt of his, making a mental note to find her bra and panties later. It wasn't abnormal for her undergarments to wind up in some pretty odd locations after their lovemaking, but at times like this, when she couldn't find her panties, it could be annoying.

He waited in the car for her as she ran up and changed clothes. It was taking longer than he though it should have, and Rick was contemplating going up stairs to see what the holdup was. Just as he was preparing to park the car, she returned in a pair of jeans and a purple sweater, she sat back in the passenger seat. Rick couldn't help but smile as he noted the overnight bag that she threw into the back seat. However, his face dropped when he noticed the unhappy and somewhat irritated expression on her face.

"Evidently," she started to speak as she sat in the passenger's seat and slid her seatbelt on, "my landlord has been trying to call me." Her voice was short and annoyed.

"What happened?" He asked with concern in his voice.

"A major pipe burst. My apartment is flooded, seriously flooded." She rubbed her temple with her hand and shook her head before continuing, "they've already knocked out part of my wall to get to the source of the flooding, and there's water everywhere-did I mention that?" She was exasperated.

"How long are you displaced?" Castle asked her, knowing that there was no way she could go back to her apartment now.

"Not sure. Once they fix the problem, they'll have to drain the water. The carpeting in my bedroom needs to be replaced, the damage to the floors and lower walls needs to be assessed…something about mold risk. I don't know how long Rick. I just don't know."

They made their way to a nearby café, sitting outside to eat breakfast and sip cappuccinos. They made comfortable conversation, Rick trying to talk about something else than her apartment, before falling into companionate silence for awhile. They were both enjoying the slow pace of this part of the city in the morning.

"So, you're going to spend the night again?" he asked somewhat timidly.

"If you want me to," she replied.

"Of course I want you to. I want you to stay with me as long as you need to, Kate." She nodded. She knew that this might change things, might change the secret status of their relationship. On the other hand, maybe they could pull it off as if she were just a friend staying with them, like she had after the explosion.

"Alexis will be home at about lunch time tomorrow," he began tentatively, "I thought that I would talk with her." He suggested; _or maybe not_, Kate thought to herself, dismissing the thought of sneaking around the loft with him.

She eyed him wearily, "Castle, are you really sure about this?" It wasn't a new conversation. She wanted to take things slow and adjust, while he wanted to sky write their relationship for anyone who would take notice. Mainly, Kate was worried about how the change might impact Alexis, who admittedly, wasn't her biggest fan these days.

"Kate," he began, "I'm sure. I am sure about you, and I'm sure about us. I want Alexis, and mother for that matter, to know about us. I want to bring the best parts of my life together. Please Kate, trust me here."

She couldn't help but smile, sometimes he was just so completely sweet. She let out a sigh and nodded, "Ok. If you're sure, than I'm in this with you, Castle. Perhaps my apartment flooding was a sign from the universe that we need to move things along. Let's tell Alexis." He smiled brightly at her, before getting an idea that really excited him,

"Ooh! I'll make us all my famous pasta carbonara! It is Alexis' favorite dish and I know you'll love it too!" He grinned widely at her as he revealed his plans. His excitement was contagious and even the nervousness over telling Alexis about the new development in their relationship didn't dampen her mood.

Castle rose, leaving a generous tip for the waiter and taking Kate by the hand. "Come on, there is a really great farmers' market just a few blocks down, and on the way we can stop at the butchers'." He looped his arm in hers and kissed her cheek.

She couldn't even respond, instead she just laughed happily. His mood was contagious and Kate couldn't remember a time before him that she'd felt this happy, this at _home, _despite the flood. In that moment it occurred to her, _home is in his arms._

Castle continued to talk about his dinner plans, "We need to get fresh cheese and bacon, the fresher the ingredients the better!" He continued to lead her down the sidewalk, smiling to himself as he watched a pair of children, who looked no older than 6 or 7, playing with a ball.

"How much bacon do you need?" Kate asked, not familiar with the recipe for pasta carbonara, but very familiar with Castle's love of pork.

"The more, the better." He smiled at her, "ooh, and that reminds me…" He dug into his wallet to remove two quarters, walking to the yellow newspaper box on the corner of the street. "I always forget to pick up newspaper, it works like a charm at absorbing bacon grease."

She simply rolled her eyes at him, again struck by how excited he was about everything.

What happened next was a blur, one of the children playing lost his grip on the ball. The boy chased it into the street just as a cab turned the corner, driving way too fast for the area, as normal. The cab driver spotted the boy just in time and swerved his car.

The vehicle hopped the curb, and within a matter of seconds, Kate could see that Rick was on the ground, but he wasn't moving. The cab was now halted at the spot he had been standing in moment ago, the yellow newspaper boxes tipped over. His still form had been projected further down the sidewalk.

Beckett heard a scream and it took several moments for her to register that the voice she was hearing was her own. She ran to the front of the cab, falling to her knees at Castle's side. As the driver jumped out and dialed 911, he simply repeated, "I didn't see him. I didn't see him!"


	3. Chapter 3

_**I'll sing it one last time for you, but then we really have to go.**_

_**You've been the only thing that's right in all I've done.**_

_**And I can barely look at you, but every single time I do,**_

_**I know we'll make it anywhere away from here.**_

_**Light up, Light up, as if you have a choice.**_

_**Even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you dear.**_

_**-Leona Lewis, Run (Snow Patrol Cover)**_

* * *

Kate rushed into the hospital, refusing to lose sight of Castle's blood-covered body. The paramedics were working intently on him, keeping him with adequate levels of oxygen, monitoring his blood pressure, and controlling his bleeding to the best of their abilities.

They also stabilized his neck with a brace, as well as his right wrist, which was clearly broken and in need of attention. She could also tell that his left leg was in very bad condition, it was severely broken, but there was no way for her to know just how bad it was.

She was allowed to sit next to him and hold his unaffected hand, but would have to adjust as they needed to move about. However, now that they had arrived, they were carting him off too rapidly, and they were telling her that she couldn't go with him.

"But…" She pleaded with an aid that came to stop her, "Please, he can't… I need to be with him. Please." Kate didn't recognize her own voice, which was drenched in pain and desperation. The nurses' aid took one look at the shocked woman, covered in her boyfriend's blood, and led her down the hall and up a flight of stairs.

The aide found Kate an old pair of scrubs and allowed her to wash up and change. She stared at her pale face and her wide, terrified eyes. The cool water on her face startled her out of her shock a bit, but everything still seemed to be moving in slow motion for Kate. She waited for this nightmare to pass, waited to wake up, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't.

The nurses' assistant simply sighed to herself. The poor woman was obviously in shock, and the least she could do was help her get her bearings a little bit. Besides, Lord knows that if that man was Richard Castle, which rumor suggested, there would be visitors. The least thing that anyone needed was to see the blood all over his shocked and terrified girlfriend.

Kate placed the deep purple scrubs on, thankful to be rid of her soiled clothing. She washed her hands and face, knowing that she didn't want a hint of his blood on her body when his mother and Alexis arrived. _Oh, his mother and Alexis._ Kate thanked the woman again, and allowed herself to be escorted to the proper waiting room.

Sitting in the empty room, she took a deep breath, attempting to steady her nerves. Somebody needed to tell them. She opened her address book and scrolled down to Martha, pressing send and waiting for the ring.

"Why hello, Detective Beckett, to what do I owe this pleasure?" Martha spoke in somewhat of a surprised tone. She honestly thought that this standoff between them would have resolved itself by now, but obviously not if Kate was calling her for information.

"Martha," Kate began, her voice shaking. That was all it took for the older woman to register that something was very wrong. "Martha, there's been an accident and Rick is in the hospital. You and Alexis need to come home." She spit it all out while she still could.

"Oh my God! Is he ok? What happened?" Martha questioned, alarm and panic filling her voice.

"He is being examined right now, but it looks like a head injury in the very least." Her voice was shaking under the strain of trying to hold it together, "We were just walking together Martha," Kate's voice broke, "we were at the farmer's market and a car swerved up onto the sidewalk and it hit him." There was still a tone of shock and disbelief in Kate's tone.

"Martha, I am so sorry, I couldn't get there in time."

"Kate, don't you do that." Martha's voice was strong, but there was a tremor, "We will have this conversation in person, but you are not to blame. You stay strong for my son!" She paused for a moment, trying to collect her own scattered thoughts before speaking once again.

"Alexis is out sailing for the rest of the day and I can't reach her. As soon as she gets back in, we will be on our way. Which hospital dear?"

"We're at Mercy West." Kate answered her, before adding, "Call the coast guard Martha, they should be able to radio whomever she is with."

"Very well, we will be there by this evening. If I can get a message to her boat, it will be sooner…and Kate, take care of my son."

After they disconnected, Kate was completely drained. She called one more person, Lanie. Once she arrived, she could help with sorting out other details. Kate had been sitting in the waiting room for less than 15 minutes when a young doctor entered the room.

Ms. Castle? He questioned her.

"No. My name is Kate, Kate Beckett. His mother and daughter should be here this evening."

She was about to admit that she was not family when the doctor spoke up, "oh yes, I see here. Katherine Beckett, you're on his list of emergency contacts." Kate was not surprised, as he'd listed her as an emergency contact after he'd been tied up by the triple killer; once it became apparent that he could be seriously injured.

The doctor spoke, "Can his mother or daughter get here any sooner? I've got some consent forms that need to be signed as soon as possible."

"They're out of town, they'll be here as soon as they can. How is he?" The doctor considered her for a moment, before replying.

"We're not sure yet, we're waiting on test results, but he's definitely got some serious head trauma. I promise to let you know more when I do. In the mean time, the hospital is going to need to contact his attorney to determine whether he has a durable power of attorney."

The doctor exited the waiting room then, but was soon replaced by Lanie. "Oh, honey. How is he doing?" Lanie sat down next to her and held her hands, as Kate began to tell her the long story of what happened.

* * *

About 20 minutes later, middle-aged woman entered the room with the same doctor Kate spoke with earlier, moving towards her and extending her hand, "Ms. Beckett?" Kate nodded, "Yes?"

"We've been informed that Mr. Castle has arranged that _you_ are the power of attorney in the event that his family cannot be reached."

"I'm sorry, what?" Kate wasn't sure she had heard correctly.

"We have obtained a copy of Mr. Castle's living will, and it clearly states that in the circumstance that his mother, Martha Rodgers, or daughter Alexis Castle, are both unavailable; the power of attorney on all matters shifts to you, Ms. Beckett. His attorney faxed over the form when we pulled his information."

She didn't really have time to process the information, as the doctor continued, getting to the point of his visit. "Ms. Beckett, preliminary scans show some extent of bleeding in the brain, located in Mr. Castle's temporal lobe." The doctor pointed to the side of his head. "There also appears to be a good amount of swelling there. Both of these conditions are life-threatening, and the longer we wait, the more damage we risk."

Kate was visibly shaken, his brain was bleeding and retaining fluid? Not his beautiful, brilliant brain. "So, what are you going to do about it?" She asked, trying to sound somewhat authoritative, although she felt like a frightened child.

"First I would like to go in and put a stop to the bleeding. Once we gain access, that should be fairly straight forward. Depending on how that goes, we may or may not need to drill a small hole, or perhaps insert a shunt to vent the pressure."

He gave her a moment to process the information before continuing, "the injury to his leg is also severe, he's got a grade III open tibial fracture and it needs to be repaired now to prevent infection, tissue damage and further bleeding."

At the look of fear in her wide eyes, the doctor could see that she was overwhelmed with information. He offered her his best reassurance.

"We simply will not know the extent of everything until we're there, but we're going to do everything we can for him." Kate nodded.

"Ms. Beckett, as Mr. Castle's power of attorney, your consent is needed on this procedure, as there are considerable risks involved when we're dealing with brain surgery." The doctor pushed his clip board in her direction,

"What are the alternatives?" Kate asked, not entirely comfortable with agreeing to brain surgery without the presence of his family.

"We wait for the blood to reabsorb, see that the swelling goes down. We place him in a comatose state and give the brain a chance to heal. The latter may well happen anyway, but you run substantial risk of substantially more brain damage by waiting and watching to see what the blood and swelling do."

Kate shook her head, "No. I'll sign whatever. You do everything to bring him back to us, and bring him back as he was!" The doctor nodded, "I will try my best." He handed her the clip board, showing her where to sign and initial.

The doctor turned to leave, but stopped shortly, "Oh, and Ms. Beckett, if any of the staff give you a hard time about getting information or seeing him, just tell them you're his power of attorney." He ripped a carbon copy of the form she just signed and passed it to her.

* * *

_**To think I might not see those eyes, makes it so hard not to cry.**_

_**And as we say our long goodbye, I nearly do.**_

_**Light up, light up. As if you have a choice. Even if you cannot hear my voice,**_

_**I'll be right beside you dear.**_

* * *

Kate Beckett kept vigil at his bedside. He was in surgery for what seemed like hours, although she later learned that the damage to his leg took longer to repair than the bleed in his brain. Just as the doctor indicated, he'd been placed in a medically educed coma to allow his brain a chance to heal.

"Is he going to be ok when he wakes up?" Kate asked nervously.

"We unfortunately will not be able to ensure that there hasn't been any long-term effect until he is awake, and we can gauge his functioning. For now we will have to wait and give his body a chance to heal."

Once they had him settled in his own room, Kate was allowed to go and sit with him. She looked him over tentatively, he was pale, lifeless, attached to tubes and surrounded by beeping sounds of monitors, as well as expansion and compression sounds of the respirator. A tear slipped down Kate's face. Too many tubes were hooked up to the man's body.

She leaned over and placed a kiss on his forehead, taking his hand in hers and lacing their fingers together. His other hand was secured in a cast, fingers to elbow, the doctor indicating that the bones in his wrist and forearm were set and should heal with time, but it was likely to be a long road ahead for his leg injury. "Your mom and Alexis are on the way Rick. I wish you could be awake to see them, but I understand that your brain needs to rest."

She simply held his hand to her lips, inhaling his scent to find that most had been replaced by sterile, hospital smells. "Castle, I'm so sorry. Why did we have to be at that farmer's market? Why didn't we just stay in bed?" She spoke, her voice a broken whisper.

"Two months with you, just two months Rick, it's not enough. One lifetime won't be enough, but two months, not acceptable, Castle. You've got to pull through and return to us, to me." The tears were stinging behind her eyes again. "Until you do, I promise I'll be right beside you. Please don't make me wait forever, because I will."

She cleared a bit of the sadness from her tone, changing the subject, "So your mom and Alexis should be arriving in a few hours. It would seem your daughter has been having a blast in the Hamptons, and is out and about sailing. It makes communication tough, but they'll get through."

As if on cue, the phone rang,

"Martha?" Kate spoke, recognizing the number, "yes Kate, I got coast guard to send a message. She just got back. We should be there within 3-4 hours depending on traffic."

"That's great." Kate spoke.

"He's got a room now, 1225, and is resting." Kate began, but was interrupted, "that is wonderful, so the procedure went well?" After Kate signed the paper she called Martha back with the details, afraid she'd done something wrong. However, the older woman agreed fully with the decision.

"Well yes, but you'll need to warn Alexis. They've educed coma, just to allow his brain to heal." Martha understood and had every intention of giving all of the information to Alexis.

Kate returned to her seat beside Rick, lacing their fingers again. "I'm not sure that I'm going to be able to keep us from them after this." She smiled at him, as if he'd answered her, "I know, I know, you've been telling me that we need to tell people since May, and I agreed to let you."

She smiled through her tears and added, "You better not have done all of this to _**out**_ our relationship, Mr. Castle." She spoke warningly, with a hint of humor.

The feeling soon passed and was replaced with sadness again, "Rick, you need to pull through because I haven't said it yet. You've said it plenty of times, but not me. Rick, I need you to wake up so that I can tell you how much I love you. I need you to know that I don't want to spend another night apart from you. I don't want to wake another morning and not be in your arms. Your arms are my home, Rick."

There were tears streaming down Beckett's face now, "Yeah, I said it. I love you. I want to have your babies, and I want to grow old with you, and you're not even awake to gloat. I love you Castle. Please," She kissed his knuckles, "be ok so that I can see the expression on your face when I tell you how over the moon in love with you I am."

* * *

The warm hand on her shoulder startled her awake. She looked up suddenly to be met by both Martha and Alexis, who had finally arrived. Their things were settled in the corner, flowers set up for Rick, and areas of his private room set up a little more, observing the changes to the room led her to wonder how long they'd been there while she'd been sleeping, her head was on the side of his bed, cheek against her hand, which was currently clinging to Castle's as if it were her lifeline.

"You made it." Kate spoke the obvious, unsure what to say. "How long have you been here?"

"Oh, about 25 minutes." Martha told her before adding, "we spoke with the doctor on the way in and he updated us." Kate nodded, wiping the sleep from her eyes.

She looked from the older woman to the younger one, she could see the track marks of recently shed tears. Somehow, they'd come in and had their moment with him, and she'd slept through it! Incredible! Alexis' eyes were bloodshot, but she was breathing normally and busy at work making the room feel homey.

Kate wasn't sure whether she should stay, or go and give them privacy. The thought of removing her hand from Castle's seemed unthinkable, but his family was here now and maybe they wanted her to leave. She wasn't sure what to say, but then a question occurred to her,

"Did you know that he'd listed me as a potential power of attorney?" She asked them.

Both red-heads looked at her and nodded affirmatively, completely unaffected by the knowledge of Kate's role. Beckett was thoroughly confused,

"When did this all happen?" Martha looked at her in surprise.

"Darling, he added you as an alternate agent a while back. His lawyer instructed him to give you copies of the documents, didn't he?" Kate shook her head, she certainly didn't know about it.

"Well," Martha began, "Thank you for being here for him when we couldn't be."

The three carried on in companionate silence for some time. Kate shared what she knew about his condition and Martha shared the doctor's updates. They discussed that there would be no way to tell about his functioning fully until he was brought out of the coma, but his recent scans looked good and his brainwave activity appeared to be functioning normally again.

There was little anyone could do now, but wait for him to come back to them.


	4. Chapter 4

_**I need your grace to remind me**_

_**to find my own.**_

_**If I lay here, if I just lay here**_

_**Would you lie with me and just forget the world?**_

_**Forget what we're told, before we get too old**_

_**Show me a garden that's bursting into life**_

_**All that I am, all that I ever was**_

_**Is here in your perfect eyes, **_

_**they're all I can see.**_

_**I don't know where, confused about how as well**_

_**Just know that these things will never change for us at all.**_

_**If I lay here, if I just lay here**_

_**Would you lie with me and just forget the world?**_

_**-Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol**_

* * *

The hours went by in a haze, nights and days blending into one another as they waited. Castle's vitals were holding steady and there was little anyone could do other than wait. His mother and daughter urged Kate to go home and rest, but she refused to leave his side.

Lanie and the boys came by, offering their support and bringing food. Martha was extremely grateful for Lanie, who was close enough to both Kate and Alexis to be of comfort. She also took responsibility to make sure that Kate was eating and drinking.

Regardless of what may or may not have happened in the past, there was no denying that Kate Beckett was dedicated to her son. She clearly loved him fiercely, and Martha became worried not just for her own sake, or for Alexis. She now understood that if he couldn't pull through this, Kate would be shattered as well.

There was a certain level of tension between Alexis and Kate, but the young woman couldn't deny that she was touched by the dedication the detective showed to her father. She silently observed the way she looked at him, the way she brushed the hair from his forehead, or caressed his cheek lightly with her fingers.

On their second day at the hospital Alexis and Martha left the room to go get coffee, and when they returned they caught Kate holding firmly to his uninjured hand as she laid her head beside his and whispered into his ear. To the casual observer, it would look like Kate was talking to her lover, not a friend and former partner.

She jumped back when she heard them enter the room, assuming her previous position and accepting the cup of coffee Martha held gratefully. After awhile, Alexis finally spoke, "So, did the hospital contact you when he came in?"

Kate was confused for a second, then it hit her. _How would I have known about the accident so quickly? _She supposed that Martha kept that part from Alexis, although Kate wasn't sure why.

"Alexis, I was with your dad when he was hit. We had just finished breakfast, and he was grabbing a paper when a car jumped the curb and hit him." Alexis nodded, still with a look of uncertainty on her face, prompting Martha to jump in. "Oh goodness Alexis, just ask her already." The teen blushed.

"Ask me what?" Kate pressed.

"Well, my dad has been different over the past couple of months, and we know he's been seeing someone. He won't tell us who though. Then last week he started to leave random tweets about his secret companion. He's with her on the 4th of July- Making Fireworks."

Alexis rolled her eyes as she spoke the last part, and continued, "then, this weekend grams and I go to the Hamptons and he says that he's going to stay in the city with this secret woman and enjoy the 'Naked Heat.'" The girl shuttered to herself as she thought about the innuendo of the posts.

Kate couldn't control her blush, again, she couldn't believe he'd tweeted that. "My point is, detective," Kate thought to stop her, but Alexis was on a roll now and she couldn't get a word in edgewise. "that I was under the impression my dad was spending the whole weekend with his new love, only to find out that he was with you."

"What are you asking me Alexis?" Kate got right to the point.

"Are you and my dad a couple?" The teen questioned, looking her directly in the eye.

"Yes we are." Kate admitted, holding his hand a little tighter as if he would awaken and offer her support. Afterall, they were supposed to have this conversation together. For all her suspicions, Alexis was still shocked to learn the truth. She was also mildly irritated and uncomfortable. Martha, for her part, looked completely unsurprised.

"Oh, well that figures." The older woman commented.

Kate arched an eyebrow at Castle's mother, who simply replied "oh come on darling, one day he is miserable and has sworn to never see you again. Then suddenly he's on cloud nine. The old Rick may have moved on quickly, found another love interest, but not now. Not with you. The only explanation for his happiness that made any sense to me was you, my dear."

Voicing some of her concerns, Alexis spoke up, "Is is still going to be your partner? Isn't that dangerous if you're involved?" Kate smiled wistfully at the girl.

"Alexis, I am not with the NYPD anymore. Your dad gave me a choice," Kate decided to go with the entire truth, lies had done nothing but tear down and destroy lately anyhow,

"and at first I chose wrong." She admitted.

"He walked out of my life." Martha and Alexis nodded, they knew that the partners had fought bitterly, and that he'd vowed he was done with her once and for all.

Kate continued to explain, "It took exactly 24 hours for me to realize that it was a mistake. I got my priorities straight, quit my job and told him the truth. Your dad is more important to me than the badge."

Alexis' eyes grew wide, as did Martha's. "Wow." They both said at the same time. Kate smiled and laughed softly, "all you need is love," She spoke, before adding a sardonic, "until you need a job." That caused both women to smile at her.

"You make him happy, and that makes me happy." Alexis spoke, as she touched her dad's shoulder lovingly, looking at his peaceful face.

"He makes me happy too. I love him, Alexis." She looked at his daughter meaningfully, hoping that she would take the words as comfort; as proof that Kate was in this for the long haul. "Now he just needs to wake up so I can tell him."

Martha squeezed her shoulder, soon you will Kate. Soon you will.

* * *

They brought him out of the coma slowly, decreasing the barbiturates in his system and giving his body a chance to process them out. The doctors warned the three of them that it was not uncommon for the process to take several days. Further, he informed them of common responses to being awakened from a coma.

"It is very disorienting, so it is not uncommon to experience fear. Some patients report having very vivid dreams or nightmares when they are being raised from lower levels of consciousness, and others go as far as to act their dreams out, I assure you that we will be watching his responses and ready to act should any form of psychosis arise."

"Psychosis?" Alexis asked, alarmed.

"It isn't as bad as it sounds, it simply means that he may be delirious or experience night terrors. If it happens at all, it will only be while he is emerging from the coma. It is not a problem that will have lasting effects." The girl calmed slightly at his words.

"Now," the doctor continued, "we will be checking in on him several times to evaluate his conscious state, and will continue to do so until he is fully alert and oriented."

The three women nodded at him, Kate squeezing his hand as she watched the doctor switch out his IV, replacing the chemicals that kept him under with a simple saline solution. "It is time for you to come back to me," she whispered to him before placing a kiss briefly on his lips.

Alexis and Martha took it in stride, not wanting to draw attention or make Kate feel awkward. Things were strange enough already, and everyone was tired and overwhelmed. He remained comatose for the remainder of the day, causing Beckett concern. She didn't let on though, refusing to fall apart in front of Alexis.

During 2am rounds a nurse checked his eyes and reported that his pupils were beginning to respond to light. By breakfast time Castle's body was responding to pain, he made no noises and gave no indication, other than a physical, reflex-like reaction when the nurse prodded his body.

Around dinner time the next day he moaned, but did not respond to any of the words of love and encouragement from the women in his life. They all had hope though, as he was progressing towards consciousness. The doctor came to check on him and explained that he had moved up two full stages on the levels of coma, and it was great progress.

When he started to talk, it didn't make much sense. He wasn't able to hold on a conversation and seemed to be responding instead to some dream or hallucination he was having. He was mumbling about which wire to cut, which caused Kate to suspect he was recalling the bomb.

Finally, nearly 72 hours from when they discontinued the medications, Richard Castle was alert and oriented. When he opened his eyes the first person he saw was Kate. He simply took her in for a moment before furrowing his brow.

"Kate?" He spoke in a raspy voice. She nearly began to cry as the joy of hearing her name filled her. "Hey you." She spoke softly.

"What are you doing here?" He asked her with a look of confusion on his face. At that moment Alexis stepped forward.

"Dad!" She already had tears streaming down her cheeks as she leant in to kiss her father. Kate smiled and took a step back, although she still had a firm grasp of his hand.

"Hey pumpkin. I'm ok." He reassured his daughter, looking back at Beckett again, meeting her eyes with a strange expression, glancing at their joined hands and then back up to her. He was obviously disoriented. Had Kate thought about it, she would have been alarmed that his first question wasn't _What **am I** doing here?, _but _What **are you** doing here? _

Regardless, she was too happy to see that he was awake to consider the detail. The doctor came into the room as Martha bent over to kiss her son, "Welcome back kiddo, we missed you." He smiled at her.

"Mr. Castle! It is nice to see you're awake." The doctor spoke, as Rick finally pulled his hand free of Beckett's.

"Forgive me doctor, but I'm a little confused. What happened?"

"You were in an accident. You got banged up pretty badly, and in addition to the injuries you see," the doctor spoke while motioning to his wrist and leg, "you also took quite a hit to your brain." The doctor began to do a brief neurological exam on Castle, asking him to follow a light with his eyes, testing his strength as best as possible with his injuries.

"Daddy, we were so worried about you." Alexis spoke, tears beginning to fall again.

"Oh sweetheart," Rick began to comfort her, "I'm ok. Do you think I would leave you? You can't get rid of me that easily." Beckett let out a laugh, earning her another confused stare from Castle. His lack of warmth was starting to get to her a little.

Rick turned back to his daughter, "Besides, May is just around the corner, and there isn't a chance in the world that I would miss watching my daughter graduate from high school." Alexis pulled back suddenly, looking at him with concern. She looked to Kate and then to the doctor.

"What's the last thing you remember Castle?" Kate asked with concern in her voice.

He cleared his voice and thought for a moment. "I was working with Slaughter on that case, you helped me. Why?" Kate felt like a bucket of ice was thrown over her body, a cold sweat breaking over her body. _He doesn't remember anything. He doesn't remember us._

She thought back to how bad things were between them then. She thought back to how horribly he had treated her and it nearly made her sick. Now she recognized the confusion and the somewhat empty look in his eyes when he directed his gaze at her. She wanted to run, to scream, to destroy something. Most of all, she wanted to crawl into bed with him and have him hold her and tell her it would all be ok.

"Ok. I think it is time that we let Mr. Castle get some rest. He's just awoken from a coma and that can be very disorienting." He spoke to them.

"In the mean time, I'll send someone down to talk with him a bit more. To see how he's doing." All three women could tell that the doctor was concerned.

As Castle settled in to rest again, he pulled all of them out into the hallway. "It is not uncommon for memory lapses following traumatic brain injuries. It could be disorientation, or it could be a case of retrograde amnesia."

Alexis' hand flew over her mouth at the mention of the word _amnesia_.

"It isn't like what you see in the movies." The doctor began to reassure the girl. "He knows who he is, and he knows who you all are. As I said, it is common for brain trauma patients to block out memories and events before their accident; the closer the memory to the present time, the less severe the amnesia. " He turned to Beckett then.

"How long ago was this case you worked on, that he remembers." Beckett thought back for a moment,

"It was early April."

"Of this year?" Kate nodded, "That is wonderful, it is not uncommon for retrograde amnesia patients to block out as much as 4 years!" Given that he doesn't recall the past few months, it is likely that he will recover those events fairly quickly.

"What is fairly quickly, doctor?" Martha asked, concerned for her son and concerned for Kate.

"Could be days, weeks or months. That depends on him." The doctor replied.

"I will mention something that is very important though. If possible, it will be critical to keep as much as you can to yourselves pertaining to what he can't remember. Don't try to force him to recall things. His episodic memory is quite vulnerable now, and there is a chance that stories you tell him, or pictures you show him may cause his brain to create false memories. It can be confusing and overwhelming to the patient. Let him remember in his own time, as his brain processes everything."

When the doctor left, Kate stepped away for coffee, and to get some perspective. She never imagined that something like this would happen. Still, he was awake and functional, and Kate couldn't be more grateful for that. She also knew that his memories would return with time. So she decided that she would give him as long as he needed. He waited for her, and she would do the same for him.

Upon her return she stopped outside of his door, hearing an intense conversation between Castle and his mother.

"Richard you owe her this."

"How can you say that mother?"

"She's been your partner for years, she hasn't left your side since you got here, you can't just throw her out because you don't want to talk to her right now." Beckett felt a knife twist in her gut.

She inhaled deeply and braced herself for what was to come. However, when she entered he was nothing but polite. A little too formal, but polite. "I hear you took care of things while my family couldn't be here." He spoke to her.

_Less than a week ago, you said I was your family_, she thought to herself. Kate simply nodded, "it wasn't a difficult choice Castle. I would do whatever I needed to save your life." He smiled at her, but it didn't reach his eyes.

"Well, thank you detective." She inhaled sharply, _oh yeah-something else he doesn't know._

"Always." She spoke with a smile. For a moment he looked as if she'd slapped him in the face, as if she'd used a weapon against him. Then, in a flash, it was gone. He simply looked back to Alexis, who was laying her head against his chest and thought for a moment.

"I think we're good now. I've got my mom and Alexis. You don't need to stay." Kate's heart sped up. _Please don't ask me to go. Ask me anything, but don't ask me to leave your side_, she pleaded inwardly.

"Why don't you go home? I'll call you later." He spoke, again politely. She inhaled sharply, feeling the threat of tears in her eyes. She knew she was going to lose it and she needed to move fast.

"Ok." She said shortly, "I'll talk to you later." She wasn't rude, just short with him. She wanted to stay and fight him on it, but she was too close to tears and she reasoned that her behavior would just freak him out. She said as much as she could without showing her emotions. Kate grabbed for her keys and left the room without looking back.

She found the nearest stairwell and opened the door. Once she had the privacy, her legs gave out and she released a violent sob. The tears came quickly as she grabbed onto the railing and lowered herself onto the stairs. She felt as if she'd been asked to rip out her heart and leave it behind.

Kate was only mildly surprised in the next moment when she heard the door open and close again. A hand found her shoulder and she looked up to see the sympathetic, but determined eyes of Martha Rodgers. "Get up." She told the younger woman.

"What?" Kate asked, clearly confused.

"Get up, get back in there." She clarified.

"Martha, he said he didn't-" She tried to justify herself, but Castle's mother cut her off.

"No. He needs you. You need him." Martha leveled her with a simple stare, and then started to speak again.

"He's got a lot of painful recovery ahead of him, months of physical therapy, holes in his memory, pain over lost time. I will not allow Alexis to delay starting college, so I'm going to need all the help I can get with him." Kate nodded, her heart breaking as she thought of every hurdle he had ahead of him to overcome this.

"...and if I'm not mistaken, you're jobless and homeless." _Crap_, Kate remembered, despite having shared the details with Martha, Kate had still managed to forget again that she was supposed to be staying at the loft.

"Now," The older woman continued, "I told him about the flooding, about your staying with us, and he has accepted that, can you?" Kate nodded, looking down at her feet somewhat hopelessly.

"Kate, he's not in his right mind, and you know that. Do not let him push you away Kate Beckett. Do not use this as an excuse to run. We're all going to need you to get through this, and you owe it to yourself, and to my son, to stand by him."

Kate nodded, Martha was absolutely right. Castle had cared for her through thick and thin. He had been her rock. Now it was her time to return the favor. She wasn't going to run away, she wasn't going to leave. She loved him and would remain at his side, whether she was wanted or not.

Until he remembered that he loved her too, she would love him enough for the both of them.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Well hello and thanks for the feedback. Several of you have comments, suggestions, concerns that you will see being addressed soon :) I love it when that happens! Anyhow. This chapter is focused on Kate's perspective, and next will be from Castle's. So a lot of his reactions in this chapter will be explained next chapter when we get inside his head :) Enjoy **_

* * *

_**I have a smile stretched from ear to ear. To see you walking down the road.**_

_**We meet at the lights, I stare for awhile.**_

_**The world around us disappears.**_

_**It's just you and me on my island of hope. Breath between us could be miles.**_

_**Let me surround you, my sea to your shore. Let me be the calm you seek.**_

_**Oh, but every time I'm close to you there's too much I can't say.**_

_**And you just walk away. **_

_**And I forgot**_

_**to tell you, I love you,**_

_**And the night's too long, and cold here without you.**_

_**I grieve in my condition, for I cannot find the words to say I need you so.**_

_**-Sarah McLachlan, I love you**_

* * *

Rick was doing much better physically, and he was down to wearing a splint for his wrist fracture. His leg injury was much more serious, and consequently required additional time to heal. Nevertheless, soon he would begin physical therapy, and the journey back to walking again would begin.

They'd kept him in the hospital for two weeks following the day he woke, monitoring his neural scans and brainwave activity, not to mention the site of surgical incision for his head and his leg. A hospital physical therapist was brought in early in the second week at the hospital to help him get out of bed and use the muscles that he could.

They did exercises with his good arm and good leg, worked on his core as much as possible, and practiced other minimally invasive stretches. They even allowed him to work on his own with a resistance band tied to the bed. He was informed that he was going to need as much strength in his usable limbs if he was going to support his body well enough to rehabilitate.

They taught him how to maneuver himself around as best as possible, but with a broken wrist on one side of the body, and a broken leg on the other, everything was awkward. Kate made herself available when the physical therapist came to visit, learning the exercises so that she could help him practice at home.

He remained distant, but was also accepting of the fact that Kate wasn't going anywhere. Part of it had to do with the fact that he learned about her change of occupational status. Specifically, Alexis let slip that she no longer had a job. When he pressed her for details, she remained silent.

Lucky for her, the doctor and the resident psychologist had spoken with them all, informing Castle to not try to investigate too much immediately. He was reassured that retrograde amnesia was transient, and that the memories would return in a matter of time. Even as Kate heard the words she thought, _not soon enough._

The problem with filling in the gaps for him, according to the psychologist, was that it could create false memories. This would make it very difficult for him to distinguish actual memories from scenarios his brain created in conjunction with what he was told; a condition called source misattribution.

If Kate were to tell him everything about their relationship, about their romance, she ran the risk of altering his memories and reducing his future confidence concerning which of his memories were real and which were fabricated by some combination of his imagination and her words. She couldn't risk him not trusting in all that happened, she loved him too much.

"Have you ever looked at a photograph from when you were very little, and your parents told you the story surrounding that photograph? You swear you can remember it, but you were only a very young child, so you're not sure if it is an actual memory, or a fabrication of truth and imagination." The doctor explained. It made sense to them and they all agreed, including Castle, to let him arrive at his own memories.

So they all went on in silence, Castle was caught in some moratorium where his memory stopped abruptly in April and left all of May and June in the dark; Beckett struggling with her feelings for him, her desire to be with him in _every_ way.

They continued his physical therapy routine on a daily basis, the professional visiting three times a week to push him forward, while he and Beckett continued to strengthen what they could. The tension between them was thick, but as with many areas of their partnership, they worked through it toward the common goal of getting him restored to health.

She could tell he still resented her. It wasn't something that he overtly expressed though. On the contrary, he tried to be polite, even gracious. He was the Richard Castle that went to book readings, the celebrity that signed autographs half-heartedly after her three-month abandonment.

She lost her friend, her partner, and her lover, and in his place was a persona, hiding behind emotions that he didn't want to express. He was truly appreciative that she was helping him, helping his family, but under the thin veil of civility was an undercurrent of anger, hurt and disappointment.

She felt like she lost him and the ironic thing is that he's been right next to her, sleeping down the hall from her, interacting with her on a daily basis. He's been so close to her, but miles away; and with each passing day Kate could feel her heart bleeding a little more.

At some point early on after their return to the loft, what Kate couldn't have in the waking hours started to live itself out in her dreams.

* * *

_The cool air of the night swirls around her as she stands on the balcony overlooking the ocean. It is peaceful here, so she came to get away from it all. Her heart has felt so heavy lately, he's so close to her, but so completely far away at the same time. Each day another piece of her heart chips away, shattering her a little bit more._

_The sound of the ocean, the glow of the moonlight comforts her. All other sounds are blocked out now that she's alone in her room, on her balcony. She should have taken him up on the Hamptons offer much sooner, before all of this happened. _

_Suddenly there is a warm hand on her shoulder, the heat from it penetrates through the thin fabric of her nightgown and sends chills down her spine. She knows that it's him, but can't imagine why he's here. _

"_Kate." She places her hand on top of his, both to make contact and to prevent him from pulling away. _

"_Castle, I miss you. I miss you so much." She whispers mournfully, allowing herself to lean into his embrace. _

"_I know you do, Kate." With his words he tilts her head back and captures her lips with his own. The sweetness of it is overwhelming, and Kate can feel her heart start to ache. It's been too long since he's kissed her like this, and she needs him so badly. _

"_Castle, please. Take me to bed, I need to feel you." He turns her to face him before cupping her face with his palms and kissing her again, and before she knows what's happening, she's being carried to her bed. _

_She pulls the flimsy nightgown from her body as he removes her panties. Seconds later he's undressed too, she sighs at the feel of his body, of his warm weight pressing her into the mattress. Wrapping her arms and legs around his body, she simply holds him. _

_Kate wants to memorize every smell, every touch and every sound. She wants one more taste. She's desperate for it. She'd give up everything for just one more night in his arms. She moves her hands to cup his cheeks and kisses him thoroughly, her heart thrown into every move of her lips and tongue. When she pulls back she doesn't remove her hands, but holds his face to her own. _

"_Why won't you come back to me Castle?" She asks him desperately. _

_He stares at her blankly,_

"_Castle, I love you-please..." he looks as her as if doesn't understand her words, and then he's gone._

* * *

It was a Tuesday morning when Kate sat up in bed quickly, catching her breath and allowing the fog to clear from her brain. It was the same dream she'd been having for three weeks, since they allowed them to bring Castle home. It's the only thing that gets her through some days, being able to look forward to nights with him in her dreams.

The most recent dream was particularly intense because her senses became completely involved. She swore that she could smell him, and that the taste of his skin was still on her mouth. It left her wanting more. Kate felt as if she was stranded in the middle of the ocean, trying to survive on her little life raft while dying of dehydration with water all around her. _Irony_, Kate thought to herself.

Like so many other mornings these days, Kate Beckett began her routine at the loft with a cold shower, turning her attention away from fantasy and focusing on reality. It was a big week, Mid August was here and Alexis was moving into her dorm room. The girl was hesitant to leave, but was ensured by both Martha and Kate, not to mention Rick, that everyone was going to be fine.

Kate could tell that Rick was a little more reserved than usual, afterall, his baby bird was leaving the nest and it was a major adjustment. Add in the fact that he'd been through so much and anyone would understand his struggle.

That morning, as she sipped her coffee, she looked at him sympathetically, "How are you doing?" She asked with softness in her voice.

"Well, you know. It's hard." He admitted vaguely. Not wanting to talk about it, especially with the woman who rejected him, broke his heart, and then moved into his loft out of some sense of obligation; so he changed the subject and directed a question at her.

"How are you this morning? I heard you again last night." She shot her head up at him, alarmed by his statement.

"I'm sorry? You heard what?" She asked, afraid of what she'd given away in her dreams. _What if I was screaming his name? _

"You were moaning. It sounded…sad. I've heard you a few times, actually. Nightmares?" He asked her.

Tears threatened to fall as she held back, trying to get a grip on her emotions as she processed the information, _he heard me crying for him_.

"Yeah," she whispered somewhat brokenly, "nightmares."

It was the second close call that Kate had experienced since they'd returned. Although she had to admit that hearing her moans was substantially less terrifying and embarrassing than the last near-miss.

* * *

She parked his wheelchair by his bed and offered herself as support as he balanced himself on his good leg and pivoted himself into bed. She made him completely comfortable, with his remote, a beverage and snacks to keep him occupied.

Kate had been a little paranoid that he would become suspicious when he returned to his room for the first time. Part of it was just projection, she felt the tension and the energy in the room so intensely that she was sure he had to feel it too. The other fear was less subjective and more realistic.

Although most of their nights together were at her apartment, they had done their fair share of love-making in his bedroom. She was worried that he would become suspicious if the room smelled like her, like them. She reasoned that it could be good if it caused him to remember, but bad if it just made him confused and suspicious.

Regardless, he didn't seem to have any questions or suspicions. In fact, he made a little "welcome to my bedroom" joke when she took him back there, he thinking it was her first time. She wasn't anticipating what happened when Rick dropped the remote control on the floor, reached for it under the bed with his good hand, and came back up with a certain black and lacy article of clothing.

Kate panicked as she remembered, _shit! My panties. They were left here and I couldn't find them, Damnit. _She tried to plaster on a poker face, acting as if she didn't notice his discovery as she made her way from his room and left him confused, unknowingly holding evidence of their most recent sexual encounter.

* * *

The first time she'd allowed him to believe a lie came during the second week back at the loft. To tell him to truth would be overwhelmingly complicated and she didn't know what her options were. So she went with silence, and avoided it when he asked for details.

"_You don't have to stick around, taking care of a cripple can't be on the top of your list of ways to spend your time Beckett." He prompted her from his wheel chair. _

"_Castle, really, it's ok. I want to be here. If I had been faster, or closer then maybe you wouldn't be in this situation." She spoke guiltily, finding blame to place on herself. _

"_Were we working on a case?" he questioned, obviously returning to the mystery of why she was no longer a detective. The only people in the world who knew what really happened had been sworn to secrecy, so Castle was completely confounded. _

"_Um, no-we weren't." She cleared her throat and shifted uncomfortably. He nodded at her, but continued to have a puzzled expression on his face. _

"_So, did you take time off? Because you don't need to do that, I'm fine now." He tried to persuade her. _

"_Castle, I didn't take any time off. I um, I really don't work for the NYPD anymore at all." She averted her gaze. She couldn't tell him the truth, about the sniper, that she knew he was investigating her mother's case, about her decision to walk away from her job and into his arms. _

_His face fell in utter shock. "What? Why? Kate, please tell me, what happened?" He questioned, genuine concern in his voice. _

"_Castle…it just didn't work out, ok?" She left it at that, refusing to answer more questions. _

_He let it go for the evening, but brought it up again after his next physical therapy appointment. _

"_Kate, I just really want to thank you for being here for me. I know that you don't have to, and I just…" He hesitated, rubbing his face with his hands as he tried to collect his thoughts, "I just wanted you to know that I think I know what happened, and I can't express to you how sorry I am. I remember what happened." _

_For a moment Kate was hopeful, she lost the ability to breathe as she listened and could feel the excitement building up within her, waiting for him to reveal that he somehow knew that they were so much more than partners. She wanted to launch herself at him and kiss his lips until air became too essential to continue. However, his words left her confused. "Wha…what?" she asked. _

"_Kate. I remember what happened with the Slaughter case. I recall what you did, getting involved. The chief of detectives, he came down on you, right? You were willing to give it all up for me, and I'm so sorry it cost you everything." He looked at her with sorrow on his face. _

"_Yes. Um, I mean no. It…" She sighed and before she knew what she was doing, she brushed her fingers through his hair, "it didn't cost me everything Rick." His eyes widened as their gazes locked, electricity seeming to flow from the point where her fingertips made contact with his skin. He placed his fingers on top of hers and closed his eyes. He inhaled sharply and opened his eyes again, surprise and confusion in his face. _

_Catching herself, she adjusted and pulled away from him, "I mean… just don't worry about it Castle."_

* * *

_**Oh, and every time I'm close to you there's too much I can't say. And you just walk away.**_

_**And I forgot**_

_**to tell you I love you,**_

_**and the night's too long, and cold here without you.**_

_**I grieve my condition, for I cannot find the words to say, I need you so.**_

* * *

Kate struggled quite a bit with herself, it was difficult to not ghost a touch across his back or arms, to much for her to walk away from inhaling his scent, and above all else she wanted to tell him to not worry because she hadn't done anything she'd regretted, she walked away from her job so that she could have a life with him. There were so many things she wanted to talk to him about. But, damn it was hard to think when he was there and he smelled like him and made her whimper with need to be with him, to love him.

One such conversation that she was thinking of broaching was setting up a similar situation so that the information could come out. Namely, if she were to ask how he copes with not remembering, surely it might prompt him to ask her. Then she could be honest about therapy, it would at least help him to heal. Maybe it will help him figure things out. She knew she was playing with fire, but the burn would be worth it.

So there she was, sitting at the table in the loft sipping a hot cup of tea. She'd been there for hours, twisting the spoon into the liquid long since the steam had left. Kate was preoccupied with Castle's behavior, his hesitation, his closed-off exterior to her now. The fact was that she knew why he was upset, and she knew what it would require to at least get them back to friends again. He would need to ask her about forgetting about her own amnesia. As he did in the hospital during their zombie case.

This would enable her to share with him, once again that she is in therapy, perhaps she could repair their relationship to at least a friendship until he remembers it all. Kate was desperate for any part of him, so she was going to try it. She just needed him to listen.

* * *

_**Oh, and every time I'm close to you there's too much I can't say. And you just walk away.**_

_**And I forgot**_

_**to tell you I love you,**_

_**and the night's too long, and cold here without you.**_

_**I grieve my condition, for I cannot find the words to say, I need you so.**_


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello. My apologies for the delay in updates. I've been traveling a lot for work, and internet access has been sporadic. I hope to be home by midweek. In the mean time, here is the next chapter, enjoy! **

* * *

_**A place to crash, I got you**__**  
**__**No need to ask, I got you**__**  
**__**Just get on the phone, I got you**__**  
**__**Come and pick you up if I have to**__**  
**__**What's weird about it**__**  
**__**Is we're right at the end**__**  
**__**And mad about it**__**  
**__**Just figured it out in my head**__**  
**__**I'm proud to say I got you. **__**  
**__**Go ahead and say goodbye, I'll be alright**__**  
**__**Go ahead and make me cry, I'll be alright**__**  
**__**And when you need a place to run to, for better for worse**__**  
**__**I got you**__**  
**__**Ain't falling a part, or bitter**__**  
**__**Let's be bigger than that and remember**__**  
**__**The cooling outdoor when you're all alone**__**  
**__**We'll go on surviving**__**  
**__**No drama, no need for a show**__**  
**__**Just wanna say**__**  
**__**I got you**__**  
**__**Go ahead and say goodbye, I'll be alright**__**  
**__**Go ahead and make me cry, I'll be alright**__**  
**__**And when you need a place to run to**__**  
**__**For better, for worse, I got you**__**  
**__**Go ahead and say goodbye, I'll be alright **__**  
**__**Go ahead and make me cry, I'll be alright**__**  
**__**And when you need a place to run to**__**  
**__**For better, for worse**__**  
**__**I got you.**__**  
**__**'Cause this is love and life**__**  
**__**And nothing we can both control**__**  
**__**And if it don't feel right**__**  
**__**You're not losing me by letting me know**_

_**Oh…so…  
**__**Go ahead and say goodbye, I'll be alright**__**  
**__**Go ahead and make me cry, I'll be alright**__**  
**__**And when you need a place to run to**__**  
**__**For better, for worse**_

_**I got you.**__**  
**__**Go ahead and say goodbye, I'll be alright.**__**  
**__**Go ahead and make me cry, I'll be alright**__**  
**__**And when you need a place to run to**__**  
**__**For better, for worse**__**  
**__**I got you.**_  
**-Leona Lewis**

* * *

Of all the things that could have happened in his lifetime, amnesia was not one that had crossed Rick Castle's mind. He was a little surprised that it hadn't; Afterall, it seemed as outlandish as ninja assassins and CIA conspiracies. Regardless, as he sat in his wheelchair, his temporary prison of sorts, looking out the front window of the loft and onto the busy city, amnesia was exactly was he was grappling with.

He still couldn't believe that any of this could have happened. Truth be told, sometimes he wondered if they'd actually had him in a coma for months, as opposed to days. At least if he'd been comatose these lapses in time would be justified. However, there was no reason, other than his faulty brain, in explaining why Richard Castle felt like he went to sleep in April and awakened in July.

So much had changed, and despite the fact that the doctors, his family, and Kate protected him from exposure to those changes, they were there nevertheless. They were looming over his head, as if something was threatening to attack and he hadn't a clue as to who the enemy was. It was thoroughly overwhelming, and highly frustrating. It made him angry.

He held to the doctor's words, to the predictions that his memories would be recovered. _One day, the pieces will fit again _were words that became a mantra for Castle in those early weeks. Hope that this too would come to pass seemed like the only thing working in his favor. It helped to balance the profound feelings of guilt he had over _missing_ Alexis' graduation. It also helped to give a temporary nature to the otherwise endless-seeming experience of interacting with Kate Beckett.

His detective might have been the greatest mystery of all, as he couldn't explain her behavior. He didn't know what to make of her, the dedication that she showed him was selfless, caring, loving and committed, and it was so much more than a "_that's what partners are for"-_type of commitment. It perplexed him to no end.

Within 24 hours of waking from the hospital, Castle was sure of two things. The first was that he was still very much in love with Kate, and therefore still hurt by her. Opening his eyes to find her staring back, holding his hand and squeezing gently filled him with so much love, and hope; but then the confusion set in, because he knew she didn't love him. He wished he'd forgotten that part.

The realization of his enduring love was largely responsible for his active attempt to close himself off, to protect his vulnerable heart, and to send her packing when she was evidently expecting to stay with them (upon his invitation). _Why the hell would I do that? _He wondered about his apparent invitation to her. He tried to figure out why he would do such a thing as volunteer his home to her; afterall, the less time around her, the better.

The second thing Richard Castle learned was that despite her past behavior, her less than honest dealings with him, and her apparent lack of romantic feelings where he was concerned, Kate did care for him fiercely.

He watched her in confusion in the early hours of his consciousness, attempting to figure out why she would not let go of his hand, or why she would squeeze it supportively and lovingly, or why he would catch her gazing at him with relief, gratitude and something else altogether that made his heart beat rapidly.

Her dedication to him became even more evident in the following days, when his emergence from the coma left him raw and emotional. He'd been warned that he might feel angry, and so had his loved ones. However, Castle couldn't imagine that Kate would have been prepared for his passive aggressive suggestion for her to leave, or for the snide remarks, or the cold and impassive exterior. It would seem that Castle was angry, and Beckett was the whipping boy.

* * *

It continued weeks later when he recommended that she stay in a hotel so that he would not have to see her, although he was not cruel enough to tell her his motivation for the offer. Still, Kate took his words, the meaning behind them, the "_I don't want you here_", exactly for what it was.

However, instead of storming off in a rage, or running away in hurt, she simply took it. She accepted his angry undertones, and gave him nothing but sensitivity, compassion and support in return. The natural balance of their relationship seemed to have shifted and it confused him, but it did clearly show him that she cared for him.

Still, he didn't feel right going back on an offer he made, and she'd politely declined the hotel offer, opting to return with him to the loft. Even though _he knew_ that _she knew_ that he didn't want to be around her. _Liar_, he thought to himself, _you always want to be around her_. There was truth in his self-deprecation, afterall, wanting to be around Kate was constant, what he wanted to avoid was the heart break that would certainly come when he yearned to have a part of her she was unwilling to give.

At one point, in order to get some of his thoughts on paper, Castle scribbled notes to himself. They were choppy, and he was still under the influence of medications, but the thoughts behind the words were evident.

_Ambivilant has been described as the state of feeling two extremely forceful, but opposing emotional states. This is not to be confused with Apathetic, or the state of having no feelings. _

_I'm currently feeling ambivilant, as I've got a very strong need to be with her. To be near her, to love her, to engage in as simple an activity as touching her hand, watching her smile, or smelling her hair. I feel a very strong pull to her, as if gravity was pulling me to her side, as if there was no other place on earth I belonged than at her side. The attraction consumes me on every level, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually; on every level. _

_However, in order to save myself, to protect myself from further pain, humiliation, or heartbreak, I need to stay away. The intense attraction does not change the reality that she does not feel the same._

_ Repel, just like gravity pulls her to me, it must push me from her; that is- if I am to survive. Herein, I think I've got the true idea of ambivalence. This is not apathy, I care very much, I care too much, and that emotional conflict has brought me to this place of conflict and strain. _

_I can't live with her, I can't live without her. I wish I remembered, if I invited her to stay then something had to give. Maybe we came to an understanding, maybe she told the truth about her not loving me and I forgave her, maybe I owed her after the loss of her job? _

_I need to remember…How can I be around her and not understand? _

He set the pen down and closed the notebook, feeling a little better, but still pretty frustrated by the onslaught of conflicting emotions where his partner, or former partner if that's what they were, was concerned. Regardless of how he felt, it appeared he was going to have to manage at least for a little while, as Kate was coming home with them.

* * *

The physical therapist came to offer his help in the following days and weeks in the hospital, working on Castle's range of motion and strength building for his good arm and leg. Kate was there then too, studying, learning, helping and preparing to step in so that he could practice at home too. Her willingness, her devotion caught him off guard, and he wasn't sure what to do with the current information.

In some ways, it would have been easier for him to process if she'd acted a little less…_devoted_. He'd created a mental representation of Beckett when he'd learned about her lie. It was a representation that helped him to process his heartbreak over her behavior, it was to help him let go, accept that she didn't love him, and move on. The only problem was that the Kate who stood at his side in the hospital room was anything _but_ the cold and manipulative detective in his mind, the one that broke his heart.

This Kate was caring and gentile. She stuck by his side, she put in the work needed to help him, and she smiled at him in such a way that his defenses fell and his heart melted. He became suspicious that something was off early on when it occurred to him that she wasn't at work. However, they remained tight-lipped and elusive.

Frustrating as it was, Castle understood the need for them to not volunteer information to him. However, that did not stop him from trying to take the pieces of information around him and fit them together like a puzzle. He felt as if the answers were all around him, if only he could remember the questions to ask.

Still, Castle had an ability that should never have been underestimated by his loved ones. The man could tell a story, he could take the facts, or the clues around him and use them to create a story. It was a skill that had helped solve countless murders, and Castle was convinced that it would solve the mystery of his missing time.

Although he knew the doctor would disapprove, he could not help but examine the clues in front of him. A Beckett who no longer worked at the precinct, a Kate who was coming to stay with them indefinitely. Sure they'd said that it was until her apartment was safe to live in, but that could be weeks or months, depending on the damage to the infrastructure.

He thought on it, Kate with no job, Kate with no home, the last case he remembered. He knew that she'd put her badge on the line for him, that she'd interfered with another detective's case because he asked her to. When she told him that she had about an hour before she'd be called out on it by the chief of detectives, all he could do was reply _crap_.

He shook his head frustratedly at himself, _way to be an insensitive asshole Rick, _he berated himself. What if she'd gotten fired? What if their partnership had cost her everything? The thought profoundly disturbed him.

* * *

Returning to life at the loft was slow-going. For the first week, Castle was still heavily dosed on pain medications. It made the time pass quickly, but did little for his physical or cognitive progress. Still, the amount of pain he was in required the strong pills. Amazingly enough, the pain seemed more severe in his leg than it did in his head.

Early on, and in the groggiest moments of the pain killer haze, Rick could recall waking up to find himself broken out into a sweat. He was not able to be in any position but his back, with his arm propped on pillows, his leg propped similarly, and his head stabilized. Movement was very cumbersome. So, when Castle would awaken, he would often find that someone was sitting by his side.

Sometimes it was his mother, other times his daughter. However, most of the time, especially in the dead of night, it was Kate. She held cold compresses to his forehead, or bundled him with blankets. Castle could swear that at one point, she'd slept beside him in bed, awakening and giving him whatever he needed as the drugs continued to monopolize his system. He also wondered if those times were dreams.

Kate was given the guest room directly across from his bedroom, which provided her with quick access should he need it. It was their close quarters that offered Castle his first major glimpse into Kate Beckett, former NYPD detective, and what he did learn came in the night.

At first Castle thought that he was dreaming, or having some sort of narcotic-endued hallucination. He could hear a voice, a weak voice that seemed to be laced with grief. It was a melancholy sound that broke his heart to listen. He could tell that there was mumbling, but couldn't make out what was being said. Soon, they stopped and the person who'd been moaning quieted.

It didn't happen every evening, but at least several times a week he would hear the noise. After several weeks had passed, after his therapy had enabled him to get from his bed and to his wheelchair on his own, Castle finally decided to investigate the source of the sadness. He'd gone as far as ghost, or repetitive tv programming, but was fairly suspicious that the voice was of a person. He was also sure that the person in question was Kate Beckett.

As he quietly made his way to the hallway, the mournful sounds became louder and clearly were coming from Beckett's room. He knocked lightly,

"Kate." He whispered.

There was no response, only silence followed by mumbling and a painful sob.

Castle opened her bedroom door and called to her again, "Hey, Kate." However, he was still unsuccessful in rousing her from whatever dream or nightmare she was having.

Rick didn't need to enter the room to see Kate. The moonlight shining into her open window provided enough natural lighting for him to see the pained expression on her face. His heart ached for her, wishing to fix or vanquish whatever awful nightmare ensnared her. Her mumblings became words,

"Please. Please don't. Come back. I need you, need to feel you inside me again. I miss you, I love you. Please. Please. No…don't go…" There was pain and desperation in her voice, matched only by the pain in Castle's heart as he listened to her speak.

He grimaced, a piercing in his chest as he watched her pine for some former lover. He nodded his head sadly and spoke, "Why Kate? Why couldn't I have been enough for you? We could have had something."

As soon as he spoke, she sighed deeply and settled down. She didn't wake, but she looked much happier and calmer than she was just moments ago. It was as if the sound of his voice calmed her out of her nightmare. He backed up his wheel chair and left the room, closing the door gently behind him as to not wake her. As he rolled back into his bedroom, he didn't hear the dreaming woman's final whisper, "Make love to me Rick."

* * *

With each passing week, Rick became increasingly mobile. He became more and more able to get around on his own. His wheelchair was electronic, and his ability to steer it fell to his good hand. He'd also mastered methods of getting into and out of the chair when showering, using the bathroom and going to bed.

On one of the final attempts made by Kate to help Rick into bed, she slipped and brushed her fingers through his hair. It was an action that bothered her, but he found it to be quite comforting, almost familiar. In fact, at the very moment her hand made contact with his temple, and her fingers with his hair, Castle was struck with a strange feeling of déjà vu. He didn't know what it was about the situation, but he definitely recognized something about the feeling.

He grabbed tightly to her wrist, attempting to hold her still as he grappled with the fleeting feeling, attempting to hold onto it and make sense of it. However, it was soon gone, and so was Kate. After that, he took to transferring himself into and out of bed when possible.

At night when he would get himself situated in bed he would think back on the previous weeks, he'd still not remembered much of anything. He was sure of one thing, during the nights when he dreamed, his brain seemed more than capable of telling stories, or more specifically the same repeating story each night.

_It began in the same manner as it always did. He was standing with Beckett, looking at her chest. He unbuttoned a button, then another. His fingers ghosted the scar between her beautiful, black lace-clad breasts. Instead of pushing him away or yelling at him, he watches as her fingers join his. He looks up and she is completely open to him, the love in her eyes is unmistakable. _

_In the next moment thunder crashes, they're falling onto his bed and removing their clothing. When he enters her it feels like home, it feels complete, and she is looking up at him from where he's pinned her to the mattress. Her eyes are still shining with love, her fingers ghosting across his features as their pace quickens to frantic. They come down together and she smiles brightly at him. Only one word is spoken, "stars."She's got a loving smile on her face and she's reaching for him again. _

He awakened suddenly, the familiar empty feeling returning as he thought about the dream. It is the only dream he has had, and the only word that she ever says is "stars." He always feels disgusted with himself, admonishes himself for his inability to keep her out of his dreams.

He thinks back to the panties he found below the bed. Who on earth would they belong to? He was promised by his mother that he was not dating any women that she knew of that would be missing him. He'd considered her suspiciously when she'd told him, but she reiterated.

"Richard, I promise you, there is no woman out there wondering what happened to you."

He's never been a creepy guy, he doesn't steal women's panties, but holding on to the soft black lace, feeling the material in his fingers is somewhat comforting. It is as if they will offer some sort of insight into the lost chapters of his life. His mother told him to throw them out, Alexis screamed _'eeww'_ and left the room, Kate blushed furiously and added nothing to the conversation.

* * *

**A/N: The story will progress from here, as more flashes start to occur and Castle realizes that deja vu may be meaningful, and that dreams may be more than just dreams. All this with a tense shower scene, and a major scare for Beckett reveals more to Castle than she wants him to know just yet.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello again. This chapter jumps between perspectives, but I think it is easy to follow, as the sections are divided. The next chapter will do the same, representing the thoughts and feelings of both characters. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, they're not mine-never have been, never will be. **

* * *

_**I won't do what you told me, I wont do what you said. No.**_

_**I'm not gonna stop feeling, I'm not gonna forget it.**_

_**I don't want to start over, I don't want to pretend**_

_**That you are not my lover, that you're only my friend.**_

'_**Cause when you took my heart, you took it all.**_

_**When you gave it back, it fell apart.**_

_**-Colbie Calliat, I Won't**_

* * *

Time continued to pass and Castle continued to heal. He grew stronger with each passing day, and small things started to come back to him. When he disclosed some of his flashes to his doctor and his psychologist, they encouraged him to talk about it.

Further, they encouraged his family to help him put the pieces together. The doctor explained that as long as he was taking the lead on recovering his memories, others could help him with context and minor details.

Everyone was relieved to know that the period of absolute non-disclosure was starting to pass. As memories resurfaced, he began to ask questions. The most recent discussion occurred over breakfast.

"Um, Alexis?" He asked her somewhat uncertainly.

"Yeah dad?"

"Ok… I know this is weird, but did you dangle from the ceiling?" He looked at her with a puzzled look on his face. "I keep getting this flash of you suspended in the air, hanging from the ceiling. You're dressed in black, like you're a jewel thief or something."

She smiled brightly at him, "Yeah I did. We were playing-"

"Laser tag." He inserted for her and laughed triumphantly. "I thought I lost my mind."

Alexis wrapped her arms around his neck and laughed.

"Do you remember anything else?" Martha questioned him.

"Flashes of dinners together, I saw you singing something mother. I can hear it too, _I've got you under my skin._ I don't know where we were, or what we were doing, but I see that. You were in a red dress and you were singing." He spoke.

"Oh darling, that is wonderful. I was singing at a charity ball, you remember!" She kissed his cheek while both Kate and his daughter smiled.

"I also see random activities, like Alexis and I riding scooters, Alexis and I playing guitar hero." He spoke, while thinking but not adding _Kate, Kate smiling at me, Kate touching my face, Kate's soft lips, caressing her skin_. The fact was that he was seeing more and more, impressions, flashes of things that had no context and made no sense to him.

His dreams of her were almost nightly, involving different scenarios, but the same theme-them, curled up together in bed, their love-making passionate and consuming. He swore he could map her body out just by his dreams, they were overwhelming at times.

Given the nature of some of the more recent images, he knew he had to be having a lot of trouble distinguishing fantasies form reality. It was the only explanation to him that made sense, especially considering his knowledge of Beckett's feelings for him-or lack thereof.

"In my dreams I see things." He spoke vaguely, turning to Beckett, "but some are just dreams, I'm sure."

She looked at him meaningfully, pushing him a bit, "What makes you so sure that they're just dreams, Castle?" Her heart sped up as she asked the question.

"Well, I don't think we were chased by zombies, Kate." He chose one of the less risqué dreams as an example, not wanting to offend her or get himself injured.

All three women looked up at him meaningfully, with serious expressions on their faces. He took them in and simply gaped,

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me!" He exclaimed.

* * *

Castle's mind wasn't the only thing that was recovering, his body was getting stronger as well. When the physical therapist said it was time for him to try to start walking again, Kate was right beside him. He tried several times, but failed, having to return to his chair soon out of pure exhaustion. The therapist continued to encourage him, telling Castle that it would take time and to not lose heart.

Kate continued to attend every session with him, and working toward the common goal of his walking again seemed to bring them closer together again. It felt a bit like a true partnership again, and was something that Castle had been missing.

When he finally did walk, both Kate and his therapist cheered him on. Completely swept up in the moment, in the joy of seeing him succeed, Kate ran to where he was at the support bars. With a wide smile, she cupped his face with her hands and before she could think twice, her lips were on his.

The shock of her lips on his stunned him momentarily, but he soon responded, wrapping one hand around her waist and pulling her closer. She let out a moan as her lips parted and her tongue sought his out. Both were completely lost in the moment, caught up in the taste of one another, in the feel of their lips as they softly connected and caressed.

She pulled back suddenly, finally getting a grip on herself and realizing what she was doing. Her face was flushed and she couldn't look at him, instead she spun and retreated from the room. Castle stood there, shocked as he stood in her wake.

He raised his hand to his lips, running his fingers across where hers had just been. The feeling was remarkable. She felt so _right_, tasted so _amazing_, and it all felt so_ familiar_. She apologized later, telling him that she'd gotten caught up in the moment and in her happiness over his achievement. He wasn't sure if he believed her, but let it go for the time being.

* * *

Neither of them brought it up after her apology, Castle afraid to push her away and confused by her actions, and Beckett concerned that she would mess up again. However, soon Kate had bigger problems to contend with. On a rainy Sunday afternoon, she found herself in the bathroom, filled with uncertainty and panic.

_Oh God, no_. Kate thought to herself, _please no. Not now_. She was trembling, slightly nauseous at the thought. _What am I going to do if I am? How am I going to explain this?_ For what seemed like the thousandth time that day, these thoughts raced through Kate's brain.

She'd been so caught up in helping Castle, in returning him to health and helping him in whatever way she could while he recovered his memories, that she'd completely missed the signs at first. It was nearly three months before the realization that she was incredibly late even occurred to her.

Panic filled her as she considered the possibility that she might be pregnant. Under normal circumstances she would be able to handle it, hell…she might have even been happy about it. However, this was not a normal circumstance and she _was_ filled with panic.

She berated herself as she sat in the bathroom, waiting for the stick to turn blue, or form lines, or _do something_. She held the directions in her shaking hands again, reading over the results.

**One blue line indicates a negative, two indicates a positive**, the directions read.

So she waited, a tear escaping down her cheek as she was hit with a feeling of hopelessness. She missed him so very much, wanted to feel his touch and his kiss. Hell, she just wanted him to hold her and tell her everything was going to be just fine. She needed to know that it would all be ok, no matter what.

She looked down at her watch, noting the time that had passed and bracing herself as she moved to pick up the stick that was resting on the bathroom counter. She squeezed her eyes shut and took a breath, letting it out as she finally allowed herself to look.

One line. **Negative.**

Her breath left her body in a rush, she trembled with relief as she grabbed the box, the kit and threw the whole thing into the trash. She avoided everyone as she made her way down the hall and into her room, needing to lie down as her heartbeat returned to normal.

* * *

Kate awoke sometime later, listening to the loudness of the voices down the hall. She left her room and padded quietly towards where the commotion was coming from.

"I lost my memory, I'm not stupid Alexis!"

"Dad, I told you the truth. If you don't believe me than that's your problem!"

Kate could tell that they were extremely upset and wondered how long their argument had been going on.

"You've been in college for weeks! Just WEEKS, Alexis, and already? Who is the guy?" He yelled.

"There is no guy, damn it! I'm not going to keep talking to you if you don't calm down." Alexis screamed back, just as upset as he was.

Martha interjected, "Richard, your anger isn't going to solve anything. Besides, you said yourself that it was negative. We're getting riled up over nothing."

"What about next time? It might not be negative next time. Alexis, I thought you would be smarter than this." The girl finally turned and left him there, "Yeah, well I thought you knew me better, dad."

Once they were alone, Martha spoke again, "you know, she isn't the only woman who lives here anymore Richard."

"What, you think it was Kate's?" He questioned incredulously.

"It was a pregnancy test, Richard. You found it in a wastebasket. Wouldn't you rather it belonged to Kate than to your daughter?" He looked down at his feet.

"Of course I don't want it to belong to Alexis." He agreed, defeat in his voice.

Feeling guilty for not having come forward sooner in the conversation, Kate stepped forward and made her presence known. "It was mine." Martha took her in, unsurprised and giving her a look of sympathy.

"Well, that's my cue." The older woman said, leaving Rick and Kate to face one another alone in the kitchen.

"I…I jumped to conclusions and blamed Alexis." Rick spoke softly. He was filled with relief that it wasn't Alexis, but profound sadness and jealousy upon learning that it might be Kate.

He refused to make eye contact with her as he passed her, making his way down the hall and to Alexis' room. She could no longer control her trembling, covering her mouth as she wept. She was never one to dwell, but never in a million years did Kate ever think that Rick would be so devastated over the prospect of her being pregnant.

_It wasn't the pregnancy, but the fact that he thinks it was someone else's if I was,_ she reminded herself. Afraid that she would be spotted, Kate quickly retreated back to her room, stopping briefly to find Rick and Alexis embracing in the hall. _He is a great father,_ she thought sadly to herself.

* * *

Nearly two hours passed before she heard the soft knocking at her door. She moved from the bed and crossed the room to open the door. She was met with his sad expression, an emptiness that nearly reflected her own.

"Mother and Alexis went out for dinner." He spoke, somewhat unsure of what to say next, "I didn't feel like going with them."

She didn't respond, just nodded and let him do the talking. She didn't know what she was supposed to say anyhow.

They stood in awkward silence for a few minutes, Castle finally speaking, "Would it have been a good thing?" He couldn't look at her.

"I don't know. The timing would have been horrible, but I would never have regretted it." She spoke truthfully, she would never regret having his child.

Castle didn't respond for a minute, inhaling sharply and starting several times, but always stopping himself before words came out. When he did, his words were short and somewhat bitter, "yeah, well do me a favor and keep your _activities_, whomever they may be with, out of my house please."

Kate stared at him in disbelief, _was he honestly insinuating, did he just say what I think he did?_" "My _activities_? If I didn't know you any better, Rick, it would sound like you were insinuating that I was sleeping around." She said in shock.

"Yeah, well if the shoe fits." He said bitterly.

Before she could think any better of it, she slapped him hard across the face.

"Don't you dare. You don't get to call me a whore Castle. You don't get to make rude insinuations because of jealousy, especially when you don't know _a damn thing _about me anymore."

Her words were more broken than angry, and she couldn't stop the tears from slipping down her face. Castle's heart broke as he took her in, regretting what he said immediately.

"I'm sorry Kate. I'm so sorry." He pulled her to him and held her. He didn't know what was going on between them, but was certain that she didn't deserve his anger; Especially after everything she'd done for him.

* * *

Kate sat on the couch, her legs curled under her as she watched him write. Recently, especially since flashes of his memory were returning, Castle had taken to writing in a journal. She knew he'd been speaking with his doctor, as well as the hospital psychologist, and had been told that writing things down couldn't hurt.

As a peace offering, or more accurately, a sign of forgiveness to help alleviate the tension between them, Kate found a very nice navy blue leather-bound journal and gave it to him.

"Think of it as a late welcome home gift, I thought it would be nice to have something new to write things down in." He smiled at her and thanked her, truly touched by her gesture.

So, Kate found herself watching him as he wrote, wondering what he was thinking, what he was writing. He must have sensed her looking at him, as he raised his head to meet her gaze and smiled softly at her. She couldn't have suppressed a smile in return, even if she'd wanted to, as the elation that filled her was too overwhelming.

She interpreted his smile as an invitation to speak, and took it. "How are you doing? Is writing helping?"

"Yeah, I think it is." He smiled politely again.

"My therapist told me to write things down too, after I was shot." Kate offered, hoping he would take the bait and ask her further about her experiences with PTSD. He did.

"You were in therapy?" She went on to tell him that she'd been seeing a therapist for a year, telling him once again that she was working to accepting everything that happened that day, insinuating that it included his confession of love. She also told him that she'd been working to bring down her wall.

Kate swallowed nervously, meeting his gaze again and waiting for him to respond. He simply looked at her again, considering her words before speaking softly and somewhat uncertainly.

"I…I already knew this, didn't I Kate?" He asked her softly.

She let out a sigh and smiled, refusing to meet his gaze at the moment, "Yes, you did."

He nodded and returned his attention to his journal, writing again. He paused momentarily and looked up at her once more,

"There's still a lot more that has changed with you that I don't remember, isn't there?" Again, she shook her head in agreement, eyeing him seriously as she chewed on her thumbnail absentmindedly.

"I wish I could remember it all, Kate." He admitted softly.

"So do I." She replied meaningfully.

* * *

He became more and more comfortable with letting her help him, especially as he considered that the true nature of their relationship may have been more than what he knew, the images were intense, the dreams consuming. Still, he was afraid to hope that they were more than a product of his brain, of his subconscious wishing for more with her; and he really didn't know what to think about her pregnancy scare.

Still, there was a softness between them. It was a growing tenderness in the way they touched, how they spoke, in the glances they gave one another. If he hadn't been in love with her for years, he'd swear he was falling hard. _Perhaps I'm falling in love with her all over again_, he suggested to himself, adding hopefully to his thought, _only this time it feels like she's falling too_.

When he was finally strong enough to stand for long periods of time unassisted, she attempted to help him in the shower. He kept his boxers on, allowing them to get wet and then washing himself intimately when alone. As for Kate, she wore a bathing suit.

She covered herself in a short, silk robe as she helped him to stand in the shower, urging him to hold onto the railing that had been installed for his support while she removed the garment to step in behind him.

She grabbed a wash cloth, added soap, and began to wash his back, massaging smooth circles into his skin and then rinsing him off. She moved to his hair next, stepping closer to him to gain better access. His scent surrounded her as she stepped closer, her face close enough to his neck for her to brush her nose and lips against. She inhaled sharply, and let out a shaking breath as the desire to taste him overwhelmed her.

Castle could feel the tension building between them. He couldn't see what she was wearing, as his back was turned towards her. However, he could feel that she had on a two piece, as he could feel her body press against his as she reached around to wash his chest.

He couldn't control the reaction of his body as arousal overtook him, his heart beating rapidly at the feel of her hardened nipples against his back. Bathing suit or not, he could tell that they were both struggling with their current proximity.

Surrounded by her and feeling her arms around him, he leaned back into her, feeling her chin rest against the crook of his neck. He swore he could feel her lips grazing his skin there, but it could have been just his imagination.

She finally pulled back from him and he turned to face her. When he took her appearance in, his breath left his body. She was standing there looking at him, eyes wide and lips tremoring slightly. Her hair was soaked by the shower and was hanging limply around her face.

In that moment, he was filled with a certainty that he'd seen this before. He'd lived this before, and he saw it, the way she was looking at him, the way she bit the corner of her bottom lip as she slightly parted them.

He saw another vision of her, standing at his door on a rainy night.

"_Beckett, what do you want?"_

"_You." _

He saw her grabbing for his chin and pulling him in for a kiss, tears on her face as she apologized again and again. He saw another vision of the small circular scar on her chest, their fingers laced and her gentle kisses as he touched the spot that represented so much to the both of them.

As if needing the confirmation that moment in the shower, he looked down to her chest, taking in the scar that he knew would be there, and the one lower on her side as well. She took his hand as she did that night, leading his fingers to the puckered skin between her breasts once again.

"Castle." She whispered, yearning for evidence that what she suspected was true, that he was finally remembering.

"I dreamed about it." He stated, not taking his eyes from the spot where their hands were joined at her chest.

"Yeah?" She spoke, her voice high and shaking with emotion as she listened to his words.

He continued to concentrate on their hands, "I've been seeing us, dreaming of us, together. I see it everywhere, Kate. I see your face, your lips, your skin, I smell you and I hear your moans, your cries. They're not just dreams, are they?"

She looked him in the eyes, bringing his fingers to her lips, kissing the tips softly and then moving to kiss his palm. She slowly shook her head.

"No" she whispered, "they're not."


	8. Chapter 8

**Forgive me, but this story just took a leap firmly into M-land. I hate to change the rating mid-way, but it wouldn't be right to not warn, or label it appropriately. **

**Still, I don't think it is too over the top and I hope you enjoy.**

**P.S. Hunger4Books, It seems like in every other story I write, Kate gets pregnant. Ha! I do admit it was a temptation, but I think readers of my previous stories were probably suprised that _I didn't_ get her preggers this time ;-) **

* * *

**_"Let me in...Where only your thoughts have been. Let me occupy your mind, as you do mine..." _**

**_-Heart's a mess, Gotye_**

* * *

They simply stared at one another for several moments, water cascading down his back as he held her hand in his own. Their fingers were still laced together, and he could feel Kate's heart rapidly beating within her chest. His gaze was maddeningly intense, causing the breath to leave her body and making her feel light-headed.

She could feel the heat rising into her cheeks, causing her to blush under his steady gaze. He didn't take his eyes off of her as he slowly reached his hand to the back of her neck, pulling her towards him. He leaned his forehead into hers as he pulled at the string on her bikini top.

It came loose under his touch and the garment slid down, but still he didn't avert his gaze from hers. The hot water fell from both sides of his head, causing an almost waterfall-like effect in Kate's peripheral vision as she waited for him to move. Finally, he whispered,

"help me, Kate. I want to remember us."

With those words he closed the remaining distance between them and captured her lips with his own. The feeling that swept through her at that moment was indescribable. _Oh God, finally_, she thought to herself as she furthered their intimacy, pressing herself against him. She pushed him back against the wall, turning them both and bringing her own backside under the steady stream of the shower.

She kissed him like she was starving and he was the first meal she'd seen in days, weeks even. She bit against his bottom lip and moaned his name, her hands making their way up and down his chest and her hips grinding into his.

"Mmmmph…Beckett, Kate." He spoke desperately, "please, not like this." She may have been waiting a long time for this, but for him it felt as if it were the first time; _and yet, not_, he thought to himself, reflecting again on how familiar and how right it all felt. Regardless, he wanted to take his time and he wasn't sure how much longer his leg was going to support him.

He needed a bed, he needed her in it, and he needed it fast. Kate pulled herself back to look into his eyes, once she saw her own intense need reflected there, she stepped back. She reached around her back and undid the clasp of her now pointless top.

As it fell to the bottom of the tub he simply watched her, allowing his gaze to drift down her now nearly naked body. She shoved the bottoms down as well, stepping out of them and allowing herself to be completely exposed to him. It felt amazing to be with him like this again, the warmth pooling low into her belly as she watched him watching her.

"Please," She finally spoke, "take me to bed. I've missed you Rick."

* * *

After helping him out of the shower, and allowing him to dry her off-as she did him, they kissed once again. It was brief and she soon took his hand, leading them out of the master bath and into his bedroom. When they reached his bed she stopped them, lacing her fingers up his sides as she studied his naked body once again. Gently, she pushed him down onto the bed, allowing him to lay back as she straddled him.

He moaned loudly when he felt her body spread against his, her chest coming down and her legs sliding back to rest on either side of him. Their pace was much slower in comparison to the shower, as she allowed him to become reacquainted with her body. Slowly, she lined kisses along his jaw as his hands began touching her _everywhere_.

Her lips found his, and she began to whisper against his mouth between kisses.

"I've missed your taste," she kissed him softly before adding another statement, "I've missed your smell."She inhaled his scent deeply and found his tongue with her own. He was silent as she continued to speak to him.

"I believe you have my panties," he couldn't suppress a chuckle.

"I've missed the feel of you deep inside of me." His chuckle turned into a groan.

"You nearly got me pregnant." With the latter statement, he grasped her face and pushed her back far enough for him to look into her eyes.

"I'm so sorry." He spoke meaningfully to her, his voice laid with emotion as he thought of his cruel words to her. "I didn't know…I wanted it to be me, but I couldn't let myself believe it." He admitted to her as she gazed at him softly.

"I know, Rick." She assured him, slowly allowing him to lace his fingers through her hair and pull her head back down to his. She reached her hand between them and grasped his hardness, lifting her hips slightly and shifting her them downward until he was once again inside of her. Both of them gasped at the sensation, at the feeling of their union.

She moved slowly, kissing his jaw and gliding her tongue down his neck. His fingers caressed her back as she remained slightly bent over him. Her fingers found his hair and grasped either side of his head as she kissed him again and again, moaning with each upward thrust he made.

Castle's arms moved to fully embrace her, holding her body firmly against his as he quickly flipped them over and pressed her down into the mattress. Her legs loosely wrapped around his; wanting to cover as much space, and to feel their bodies pressed together in every way possible.

She brought her hand upwards to cup his cheek and spoke once more, "I'm sorry Castle."

"For what?" he whispered, relishing in how amazing it felt to be buried within her.

"For not telling you sooner." Came her regretful answer.

"Kate, no. Please don't blame yourself. You heard the doctors, telling me anything would have been detrimental to my memories."

Her other hand moved from where it rested on his upper arm and she laced her fingers through his hair,

"No Rick, not that."

"Than what are you sorry for?" He asked again, slightly confused about what he was missing.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you how much I love you. I should have said it sooner, but I'm saying it now. I love you Castle." Her eyes watered as she pulled his head down to her own, resting the hand that was on his jaw around his back and holding firmly to the back of his head at the same time.

"I love you." She spoke again against his lips. She then tilted her hips upward and wrapped her legs around him, tighter and resting higher on his hips. The change in position caused them both to gasp again, as he sank even more deeply into her.

"Love me, Castle." She whispered desperately, needing him to move. He pulled nearly all the way out of her and then sank in once again, nearly breathless at the sensation of being enveloped by her. "God, Kate. You know I do." Not another word was spoken between them, as they both let their bodies do the talking.

It was difficult for her to tell where she began and where he ended, and she was insatiable in her need to touch him. He responded with equal vigor, his arms wrapping underneath her body as if he could bring her even closer to him. Their mouths moved with intense fervor, creating a rhythm similar to the one their bodies found as he increased the intensity of his thrusts.

Together they climbed higher and higher, winding one another up before finally falling into a boneless heap of exhaustion. Their hearts slowed and they caught their breathes together, Castle too tired to pull himself away, and Beckett not eager to lose their intimate connection.

When coherent thought returned, he was amazed by how much he could remember about them. He saw them in his bed, in her bed, flashes of them in the shower and on her couch. An array of emotion swept over him, "I've missed you. I've missed this Kate."

"How do you miss what you can't really remember?" She asked him somewhat teasingly. Afterall, he knew that they were together, but details of their relationship were still lost on him.

He simply grinned at her before he answered her question, "So tell me, did you see stars that time?"


	9. Chapter 9

**We're getting down to the last chapter on this story (just the epilogue left after this). I'll be shifting gears to my next story soon, which will be entitled "A Drop in the Ocean," a sequel to "Changes." Lucy has been demanding my attention again :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. **

* * *

_**When laying with you, I could stay there close my eyes**_

_**feel you here forever.**_

_**You and me together, nothing is better.**_

_**-Adele, Set fire to the rain**_

* * *

He awoke with smile on his face, feeling completely relaxed and at peace with his surroundings. Looking out his bedroom window, he noticed that a steady rain poured. It created a delightfully calming and rhythmic drumming on the roof of his loft. Letting out a sigh, Castle looked down to the woman who was sprawled out in his bed. She was currently sleeping on his chest, the sheet coming to just above her backside while her hair sprawled out around her.

"All this time, and you've been right here waiting for me." He whispered, stroking his fingers gently up and down her spine. She stirred slightly, but settled back against him and remained asleep.

Castle reflected on all of the dreams and flashes he'd been having over the past weeks. He still had a difficult time believing that they were memories, as opposed to fantasies concocted by a man desperately and hopelessly in love. It occurred to him that despite his own insecurities, his denial that they might really have been a _them_, she was the first thing he remembered. He lovingly whispered to her sleeping form.

"Even in the darkest moments of confusion, Kate, I remembered you. I remembered your skin and your lips. I remembered your smell and the feel of your skin against mine. I'm sorry it took me so long to trust in it."

"Better late than never," came her unexpected reply. Her voice was heavy with sleep, but loving, nevertheless. "Is there anything else you remember?"

She didn't hear, but felt his answer at first, shuttering as his warm tongue made contact with the sweet spot behind her ear. "I remember that I can unhinge you by doing this," he spoke, sliding one of his hands into her hair as his other snaked below the blanket and grasped her bare bottom.

She sighed heavily as she rotated her hips slowly, bringing herself into delicious contact with him and causing them both to groan. "You'd better be up for this," she warned him as she slipped her hand down between them and grasped his member, "because you're starting something here that I fully expect you to see through, Mr. Castle."

He chuckled softly, "Well, I'm nothing if not determined, Kate. I finish everything I start." She sought out his lips with her own, smiling against their kiss as she lightly bit his bottom lip. "the question is, can you see that I finish?" She challenged him flirtatiously.

With no warning, he flipped them and pressed her body into the mattress, "Amnesia or no, I can take you wherever you want to go." He slid his fingers down her abdomen and sought out her center. Finding her ready for him, he used his knee to separate her legs and sank deeply into her.

No other words were spoken, as they simply enjoyed their long-neglected practice of morning-lovemaking. The intensity he found in the act caught him off guard, as he'd forgotten just how strong their connection was in the light of day; both of them free to lock gazes and communicate volumes without uttering a sound.

When they finally collapsed in one another's arms, they simply lay contentedly and savored the connection they shared. Kate waited for her breathing to normalize, holding Castle against her body with both arms wrapped firmly around his back. She planted kisses along his collarbone, not wanting to lose contact with him quite yet.

"I'm not going anywhere Kate." He whispered, sensing her trepidation.

"I know, I'm just needing a few more minutes to be sure that this isn't a dream." She spoke, her voice somewhat broken.

Castle pushed himself up onto his elbows, granting him a better view of her face so that he could meet her gaze. He said nothing for a moment, taking in her expression as he contemplated her. When he finally lowered himself back down he brought his lips to her ear and placed gentle kisses there before whispering.

"Marry me." It was more of a statement than a question, a request that was filled with more heart than she'd ever heard.

She simply brought her arms back around him and held him against her again, refusing to break their contact as tears slipped down her face. She smiled softly as she felt him move to place kisses along her cheek, kissing away the trails of moisture. He spoke again.

"Marry me Kate."

She laughed then, not out of spite or humor, but out of pure joy. He was finally back, she was in her bed and he was inside of her, proposing. Looking into his eyes, she cupped his face and brought their lips together. "Thank you, for coming back to me."

They kissed tenderly, Kate replying to his proposal between kisses, "yes. Yes. Yes." Soon they gained intensity again, and as she felt him stir and harden within her, she held him more tightly to her body. They moved together once again, Kate lacing her fingers tightly through his hair as he brought her closer and closer to the edge of her own ecstasy.

They didn't make it out of bed until well after lunch that day.

* * *

As the weeks passed Castle remembered more and more from the months he'd lost. It was as if finally coming back together with Kate gave him some sort of permission to completely trust himself; to trust that his flashes were actual memories. It was easier said than done, as some of the memories, especially ones with zombies and of Kate quitting her job, seemed completely outlandish.

Still, when he presented his loved ones with scenarios that he believed to be true, they always seemed to confirm. Kate hadn't been fired because of the Slaughter case, instead she walked away from her badge and into his arms. It made him feel relieved to know she wasn't out chasing criminals anymore, and even more lucky that he was going to call her his wife one day soon.

He'd also never forget the morning Alexis came to visit and he nonchalantly dropped parts of her graduation speech into their conversation. When he'd finally asked her where they put the tassel she'd given him, the one that he had placed on the lamp shade, she embraced him happily.

Although they kept their engagement to themselves for the time being, it became apparent early on that Castle and Beckett were together again. The happiness that they shared couldn't be hidden, and it spread quickly to their friends and family. It was a relief to see the progress that Castle made, and to see Kate happy again to have him by her side.

The last major milestone for him came the day he began to remember what he'd written and where he'd left off on his latest Nikki Heat manuscript. That was the day life started to return to normal, because it was the day he began to write again.


	10. Epilogue

**Here is the epilogue. I am so very glad you've enjoyed this story, it most certainly had its highs and lows. Thanks again for coming along for the ride. **

* * *

Kate stood in the empty room, watching the light of the late December afternoon filter in through the window and reflect off of the hardwood floors. Never in a million years, or in her wildest fantasies, did she imagine that one day she would permanently walk out of this apartment and to her new home; a home at Richard Castle's side. Yet, here she was, the last of her boxes on the truck and ready to go.

She fiddled the keys to her former home, feeling the grooves in the edges as she contemplated the events of the past weeks. Lost in her thoughts, she watched as the snow fell calmly outside, coating the city in the light, fluffy texture of newly fallen, early winter snow.

* * *

It had been a wonderful couple of weeks. Castle was recovered from his accident, and although he used a cane from time to time when his leg would take to bothering him. Life returned to normal, and Alexis was excited to learn that she was not the only Colombia Student in the family, as Kate had been accepted into law school.

She'd completed all of the undergraduate requirements through majoring in criminology, but had to re-take her LSATS in order to qualify for graduate training. She was thrilled to have been accepted, and eager to start a new chapter of her life.

Although most Law programs don't accept students in January, Colombia made an exception in Kate's case and she was going to start her basic coursework in just a few weeks.

With this weighing heavily on her mind, they spent Christmas together. The loft was decorated beautifully, with ambient white lights surrounding the rooms, holly strung about, and a beautiful tree covered with multi-colored lights featured predominantly in the center of the room.

Holiday music played, the scent of cookies baking filled the air, and everyone worked together to add their personal touches to the décor. It was the first real Christmas celebration that Kate had participated in since her mom died.

On Christmas eve, long after Martha and Alexis made their way to bed, Kate and Rick lay on the floor, their heads directly beneath the illuminated tree. It cast a glow on the both of them and gave an air of magic to the moment.

Kate sighed contentedly as she let herself be surrounded by the spirit of the season, to be filled with that sense of excitement that only the night before Christmas could provide. With a wide grin on her face, she turned her head to the side and reached her arm out to his.

Castle, who was already facing Beckett and watching her lovingly, sighed when she reached for him. He laced their fingers together and smiled at her. They simply gazed at one another in silence for a few moments, before Kate took a breath and began to speak.

"So much has changed this year, Castle." She rubbed his thumb with hers, gazing intently at him, "and It's going to continue to change."

"Are you doing ok with this, Kate?" He asked her.

She smiled at his words, after everything he'd been through, here he was asking _her_ if _she_ was ok.

"Yeah, I think I'm ok. I'm just getting used to the idea of being a student again, of starting a new chapter of my life." Kate fell silent then, squeezed his hand before adding, "but change is good, right?"

Castle smiled at her, "yes, change can be good." He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed the back of her smooth skin.

"Kate, while you're thinking of change, I've got another to throw at you." Castle had a hint of anxiety in his voice, but forced himself to keep it as light as possible.

"What did you have in mind?" She asked him curiously.

"Don't leave." He simply stated.

"Don't leave? I'm not leaving, I told you that I was going to stay through the New Year and-" Her words were cutoff by his interruption.

"Kate, don't leave. Ever. Don't go back to your apartment. Move in with us. You practically live here anyhow, why not make it official?"

She thought about his words for a moment. They knew that they were engaged, although nobody else was going to know for a while. They weren't interested in rushing to the alter afterall. However, this step, moving in with him, seemed like a natural next step.

If she were completely honest with herself, she'd admit that the loft had replaced her own apartment as the place she considered home. _Maybe it is time to make it official_, she thought to herself.

With her hand still in his, their fingers caressing gently, she smiled brightly at him and nodded. "I want to come home to you every day for the rest of our lives, Rick."

Upon hearing those words, Castle pulled Beckett closer to her, completely embracing her underneath the Christmas tree. He lined her jaw with kisses, traveling to the back of her ear and stopping there to whisper, "I got everything I wanted for Christmas under the tree. Now all that's left is to unwrap my present." He spoke eagerly to her, fingers moving to the buttons on her top.

Kate couldn't help but giggle as she pulled him on top of her, mumbling between kisses, "If Santa Claus comes tonight, he's in for an eye full." They both laughed, but soon, they said nothing at all.

* * *

Standing in her empty apartment, Kate smiled as she thought back to Christmas eve, back to her decision to move in with him. It was the first time she'd ever agreed to move in with someone else, and she was surprised that she didn't feel more anxiety about it.

Instead, she felt excitement. She smiled and looked once more at her soon to be turned in key, driven from her thoughts by the feel of his arms wrapping around her waist and his chin on her shoulder blade.

"What are you doing?" He asked her kindly.

"Just taking a moment to say goodbye." Kate spoke wistfully. She was happier than she'd ever been, but that little apartment had been a place of healing for her and letting go was a bit tough.

"Think of all of the new memories that we're going to create together, Kate." He kissed her on the ear. She smiled and leaned her head against his as she laced her fingers into where his were resting on her stomach.

"I can't wait Castle. I can't wait."

Together, they walked out of the empty apartment, hand in hand, as they looked forward to the all of new beginnings that they were going to create with each other.

For Castle and Beckett, the future held endless possibility, and come what may, they were in it together.


End file.
